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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

With hindsight, if you clean the entire kitchen on Saturday, it's probably not a good idea to put up three shelves on the Sunday. By teatime, the room was so covered in brick dust that I had to clean the whole place again.

But despite spending the first part of Sunday afternoon studying the effects of sub-zero temperatures on the human body, by a quarter to four, I'd turned up the heat on my DIY endeavours, and successfully fitted my shelves...


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that clock's about two inches too far to the left. But that's where you're wrong. That clock is dead centre. It's the cupboards which are in the wrong place.

When I moved in, the cupboard on the right was already there, and I put the clock directly above the sink. Unfortunately I then fitted the new cupboard on the left, which was a slightly different width, and made the clock look out of place. Obviously I could move it, but that would require a small amount of effort on my part, and I can't be bothered. So I'm fighting the demons of OCD by leaving it where it is. Although it looks even worse now the shelf's up.

I should also point out that despite Amelie's constant assertion that the new shelves are pink, they're actually Warm Terracotta, and contrary to first impressions, we're not living in Barbara Cartland's old gaff.

Anyhoo, as previously stated, my main aim with these shelves is to test the flame-retardant properties of Dulux by positioning a prime piece of firewood above the gas cooker. And here it is, in all its warm (soon to be smoking) terracotta glory...


Lisa likes to broil sausages at a high heat, so there's every chance a fat-fuelled flame could shoot out of that grill at any moment and ignite the whole kitchen. Fortunately the shelf's designed to hold 25kg, so I could keep three buckets of water up there. Or use it as a naughty step for Amelie.

On the downside, there's every chance I've weakened the structure of the entire building. Anyone with the eagle eyes of a property surveyor will notice that the wall above the shelf appears to have been attacked by a vicious new strain of concrete worm which has left it with the structure of Swiss cheese. In reality, however, the worm that turned that wailing wall holier than thou was none other than me.

There are certain parts of this flat which have always proved impossible to drill into. Which explains why our curtain rails are always falling down. I'd previously thought it was only the external walls which are inlaid with diamond-studded kryptonite, but it seems that the upper wall of our larder is also made of reinforced steel. Which is reassuring, as it means that in the event of a bomb blast, our croissants should be safe.

I'd already drilled the lower hole for my shelf bracket at the desired height with no problems whatsoever, but when it came to drilling the corresponding top hole, I hit a brick wall. Only harder. Despite having the bit between my teeth (which is probably a bit unsafe), the drill wouldn't go more than a centimetre in. So I went a bit lower. And a bit lower still. And then down, and down again. By the time I'd cleared the solid granite, I had four redundant holes, and a shelf that was practically in the grill pan.

But still, what's the worst that could happen? I might have made the building structurally unsound, but we're all going up in flames anyway.

14 comments:

Phil's Mum said...

And if you go up in flames, you can always get your neighbour in the flat above to let her washing machine overflow again.

Zoe Sprake said...

It'll be interesting to climb on the cooker every time you want to reach down anything on the shelf too.  It looks very straight though.  

Phil said...

There's a set of steps next to the cooker. Although I think the rubber feet have melted.

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