The legs of a supermodel; the scarf of sophistication; the elegant pose astride an equine powerhouse... and the coat of John McCririck. Yes, it can only add up to one thing: it must be Ladies Day at Royal Ascot!

That's Lisa sitting on her ass. Or maybe it's a donkey. Either way, the most remarkable thing about that photo is the way the saddles look exactly like her shoes. It must be why they call them mules.

Anyhoo, that photo was taken on Sunday in the Woodlands Park Toddler Zone, which is only open to people under 1.1 metres tall. Amelie's 1.2 metres. And even with the exhausted stoop of the world-weary, Lisa stands higher than that. So the only one with any right to be there was Toby. And he was asleep at the time. But the rest of us enjoyed it. It's the first time I've seen one of those horses since I was five years old at Swan Mead Park in Basildon. And if my mother's half the woman I think she is, she'll be e-mailing me a photo of that within the hour.

Saturday's highlight for me was the sight of Lisa dressed as an air hostess on the Rockin' Tug ride...

... but the day had ended badly when I opened the boot of the car and watched as Amelie's Peppa Pig balloon made a bid for freedom on a freak gust of wind. I've never seen three quid disappear so quickly. Well, not since Lisa ordered a small latte at the motorway services.

So with only one day of our holiday left, I was determined to end the week on a high. Namely, the top of the Arctic Gliders ride...

I look like a fatter, greyer, Ming the Merciless. Only older, and with less of a lust for life. And having been down that ride with her one more time, and come even closer to falling off, I decided it would make far more sense to employ a body double to do all my stunts and escort my daughter down the hill...


I'm trying not to take it personally, but I really don't think Amelie realised it wasn't me. I thought she was going to hug him at one point. She wiped the floor with those other kids though. I haven't seen anyone go downhill so fast since Kerry Katona started drinking.

Anyhoo, after a quick ciggie to calm our nerves...

... we ended both the day and our holiday in the Fantasi Forest zone, where Amelie fed some fish, got spooked by a troll, and grew slightly annoyed with her parents. Now, I realise that some of this week's videos haven't exactly portrayed me and Lisa in the most flattering of child-rearing lights, and look more like trailers for the new series of Supernanny. But in our defence, we don't always laugh at our children when they're in life-threatening situations, and personally I think that danger builds character, and neglect helps them stand on their own two feet.

So here's me and the wife having fun while our children are in tears...


In the woods, no one can hear you scream. Unless you're Amelie throwing a tantrum. Although when she started, I thought she was a parrot. She was slightly miffed because she wanted to feed the fish, and we were eating into her schedule. Which is ironic, as she'll never do anything we want on time. She was fine two minutes later though, I swear...


The wizard's house juts out over the lake and has a hole in the floor, so the fish swim right up to be fed. It's really quite charming. And they play background music over loudspeakers, so you can't hear your baby crying outside.

In the wake of his recent sentencing, new footage has emerged of Jeremy Forrest crossing the channel with a schoolgirl...

The way that boat's tipping to the left, it's a miracle they ever made it. You'd think a maths teacher would have balanced things a bit better. And that's not the number 10 on the back; it's the last two letters of pedalo. Jeremy scratched off the rest, in case people thought it said paedo.

Anyhoo, it's a well known fact that the family that swings together, stays together...


Obviously Toby isn't in that video, but someone had to hold the camera. It's just a shame he didn't pan to the right to show my massive backside knocking Amelie off her feet and straight into the trees. It was a real father-daughter moment.

Of course, anyone who saw Amelie's directorial debut the other day is probably wondering why I don't let Lisa film any of these videos. She is, after all, a mature and sophisticated woman with the neckwear of a showbiz luvvie, and should be capable of matching the camera work of a four-year-old. Well, here's your answer...


She elicits wooden performances from her stars. Mainly because she only films trees.

Anyhoo, the last weekend of our holiday was spent entirely at Woodlands Leisure Park, so with a total of four days there, we definitely got our money's worth. Saturday was probably the lowlight of our holiday, mainly because we had the kind of conditions that meant we had to spend half an hour in the gift shop looking for treatments for frostbite and trench foot. I'd say it was the weather from hell, but frankly hell would have been a lot warmer.

Fortunately, in our efforts to shelter from the rain, we stumbled across Woodlands' top-secret research lab where they carry out evil experiments on helpless victims...

Well, I say top-secret. The sign did give it away a bit. But before we knew it, they'd turned Amelie into a turtle...

Personally I was more than willing to let her stay that way. A hectic week meant that by Saturday her tiredness levels were peaking, and she was touchy in the extreme. I couldn't even shoot a simple video of Lisa on a pirate ship without it being gate-crashed by Amelie sobbing into a foot-long Slush Puppie...


And that peacock's just taking the piss.

But as luck would have it, the day was salvaged by a visit from a very special person...

And that person was willing to dress up as Peppa Pig and hug my daughter. Which was more than I felt like doing. There were signs all over Woodlands on Saturday stating that a photographer would be in the park, taking photos which might be used for marketing purposes. Which was worrying as I rarely allow pictures of us to appear on the web.

By the time we got back to the chalet that evening, Amelie was already appearing on the Woodlands Park Facebook page, and what's more, she was smiling. As was Lisa on that horse. I promise I'll publish that photo tomorrow...

Well, we're home, and I've weighed myself, so I've already lost quite a lot of time this morning coming round from that fainting fit and then trying to slash my wrists with a blunt pizza wheel. I've also had unpacking to do and shopping to sort out, in addition to taking Amelie to nursery and preparing for a visit to her new school this afternoon.

So there's not a lot of time for blogging, and the photo of Lisa on a horse will have to wait. But in the meantime, here's a postcard from the nursery's special envoy and everyone's favourite teddy boy, the international travel correspondent that is... DISCO BEAR!

Wish you were here.

One of my main reasons for having children was to provide me with a low-cost film crew to document my life...


That's the sound man kicking his legs in the corner of shot and testing the mic with some screaming, but the real talent's behind the camera. She's a lot like Roman Polanski. Well, she likes the company of young girls.

Unfortunately there's no time to edit any more footage. After an action-packed week in the heaven of Devon, I've reached the stage where I need a holiday. And besides, I haven't shaved for seven days, and our family photos are beginning to look like three people being stalked through the woods by a slightly camp Bigfoot...

So we're heading home...

I'm giving Toby a ten-minute head start. We'll pick him up in Torquay.

It takes a great deal of innocence to pose this cheerfully with roadkill...

I'm joking of course. She's not as innocent as she looks. And I don't think that horse is dead either. Although I'd get it to a vet sooner rather than later.

Anyhoo, this holiday is all about making dreams come true. As long as they're reasonable, and cost less than a tenner. Lisa might be living the dream, but the rest of us are on a tight budget. Fortunately, however, Amelie has held a burning lifelong ambition to ride a pony (accompanied by a genuine hope of keeping one on the balcony), so whilst in Devon, I felt we should fulfil the girl's dreams by heading to Dartmoor and breaking a wild horse...

I haven't seen her looking so pleased since she found out where I keep the blu-tac and started wallpapering the flat with her own artwork.

So on Friday, the Gardner Make-a-Wish Foundation organised a trip to the Miniature Pony Centre on Dartmoor. We took the A380, which is the closest we're likely to get to the world's largest airliner, but having got stuck in the mother of all traffic jams, we eventually had to do a u-turn and go a completely different way. It wasn't so much horse power as a pain in the ass.

It was worth the extended journey though. The Miniature Pony Centre gets outstanding reviews on TripAdvisor, and having been there, I'm tempted to add to them. Entry was comparatively cheap, the staff were incredibly friendly, and the whole place was completely lovely. It was also surprisingly quiet, which is the bonus of having a child who hasn't started school yet, and taking her during term-time to a place in the middle of nowhere.

Here's her lifelong dream coming true...


My Mum gets a mention in that video, as does Chloe, so I think that counts as a postcard. Which is handy as we haven't sent any.

This is the one for the mantelpiece...

Of course, with this much excitement, fun and laughter, you're bound to end up feeling a little hoarse...

... so it's important to take a break and let others do the riding...

But it's not all about the animals. If you've successfully avoided alcohol and prescription tranquilisers, you can operate heavy machinery...


Hang on a moment. Who's that classy, cosmopolitan lady strolling past at the end with a cool and collected air of effortless sophistication? Yes, it's Lisa in her scarf! That woman's too good for this family. It's a miracle she hasn't left me.

Anyhoo, it wasn't only Amelie who enjoyed herself. Toby fell in love with a ginga pig...

... and watched his sister rabbiting on...

But having herded some ponies, fed some goats, stroked a mouse and heard a pig talk (in English), the only thing left to experience was the white-knuckle thrill of the toddler swings...


At least he'll die laughing.

There are times in life when I'd happily pay someone to push Amelie down a big hill...


But she'd only enjoy it. Frankly the girl has no fear. She went on that ride five times, and happily walked all the way back up the forest path to the top of the hill on her own, which probably isn't legal at the age of four. It's a good job everyone thinks she's seven.

Personally, I went on that ride three times, each occasion filled with terror as I swerved uncontrollably all over the track, convinced I was about to break both arms. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that it can't be as dangerous as it feels, and they wouldn't let you do it if there was a chance of serious injury. At which point the bloke at the top told me that he's seen quite a few people fall off. And probably attended their funerals. So I left Amelie to it.

Anyhoo, having weighed up our options for Thursday, we decided against African gorillas in the mist, and opted for Woodlands Park in the fog. It meant Lisa could wear her scarf again. And with the BBC no longer owning the rights to all Formula 1 races, I'm thinking of offering them this...


That ride is strictly for children aged 6-12. Unless the park's deserted and the staff are all on a tea break. At which point all bets are off, and anything goes. Including Lisa around a race track.

To be honest, it felt like we had Woodlands Park to ourselves for most of the day. It was a bit like The Blair Witch Project with slides. And after our second full day, we still hadn't seen everything. We did, however, try the indoor rides, which proved to be surprisingly good, particularly the Barracuda slide, which made the Ninja Towers one look like a toddler toy. I'd show you a photo, but I was too busy screaming like a girl.

After a brief shower, we headed back into the woods for a bit of swinging...

... after which Amelie drove us to distraction on a big train...

But ultimately, as a pushy parent, you can only really have fun if you send your daughter down a zip wire at full speed with no safety equipment...


I think I need to push her a bit harder.

Wednesday was the day the sun came out. It was also the day that Toby threw up over Lisa's hair at 7am, thereby forcing her into the shower two hours ahead of schedule. The combination of those two happy events meant that we abandoned our plan to return to Woodlands Park, and decided instead to make the most of our early start and the good weather by visiting Paignton Zoo.

It also meant that three of us got to show a bit of leg...

Four, if you count Disco Bear. Lisa may not have stripped above the ankle, but it was the first time she'd gone out without a scarf, so she wasn't doing badly. To be honest, the loss of that scarf was something of a relief for me. Lisa felt it gave her an air of modern sophistication, but I thought it looked like an attempt to cover up the handprints of Charles Saatchi. And we lost a good half hour every morning while she struggled to tie it. That was one of the reasons we got to the zoo so early.

Anyhoo, Paignton Zoo is one of those caring, ethical zoos which focuses on conservation and breeding programmes, prizes animal welfare very highly, and aims to provide a natural habitat for all its creatures. Which means you're lucky to see any of them. In my day, zoos were concrete jungles with steel bars, and the animals were right there in front of you. They might have been pacing their cages in misery on the way to an early death, but at least you could see them do it.

Wednesday's trip around Paignton Zoo was more like an episode of Most Haunted. We spent seven hours creeping around the woods, trying to convince ourselves that we'd just seen something move in the bushes. I think there's every chance it's a big confidence trick. The 'Lemur Wood' was a big enclosed area full of signs warning you not to hand-feed the lemurs, not to stroke them, and what to do if you meet a group of them on the bridge. In reality, they might as well have posted advice on meeting yetis and unicorns. The closest I got to any wildlife was when I saw a sparrow.

Of course, there were exceptions. I managed to spot this cheetah doing a meerkat impression...

And we also witnessed the grace and poise of the noble orangutan, moving majestically through its natural habitat...


But generally speaking, the wildest thing on show was Amelie...

In the wild, most animals are shy of humans, and favour an environment where they can hide. So if you give it to them, they do. We spent a lot of the day looking at grass.

But despite that, we had a nice time. And with the sun shining all day, we had the indoor play centre to ourselves...


I did manage to amuse myself by casually pointing out the lack of security around Gorilla Island, and then momentarily convincing Lisa that one of them had escaped, but that was as close as we got to excitement. It didn't put Amelie off though. She ended the day by pointing out how many animals we hadn't seen, and asking if we could go to Africa to see them there instead. I told her she'd have to choose between that and Woodlands Park. I'll tell you where we went tomorrow...

In the battle of the discount fashion chains, Peacocks are keeping a close eye on Primark...

Whatever Next?

Anyhoo, we had a right royal time at the Woodlands Family Theme Park yesterday. Which explains why we dressed Amelie as the Queen Mother...

That's her pretending to choke on a fish bone. The pearls cost 50p from a Honiton charity shop, which is her token attempt to prove she's in touch with the common people. In reality, she knows she's far superior. She's only keeping that peacock around in case she needs a new hat.

Anyhoo, we made it to Woodlands Park at 12:15pm yesterday, which was a shame as the guinea-pig handling was at noon. We probably shouldn't have spent so long driving around Totnes looking for a Costa coffee. Our seven-day wristbands turned out to be bright green, so I feel like I'm permanently showing my support for the environment, but it was definitely a good idea to get them. We stayed at the park till it closed, and saw less than a quarter of what's on offer. Amelie's determined to go back today.

Within five minutes of arriving at Woodlands, it became pretty obvious where it got its name. Walking around the park is a bit like spending a day as the Gruffalo. Rather than wandering across an endless expanse of tarmac, it's all woods, hills and winding paths. It's the kind of place you could spend all day exploring, and easily get lost. So I had to keep a close eye on Lisa.

Amelie fulfilled her Queen Mother role by building a few castles...

That's where they got the name Sandringham. But the main focus of the day was the rides. The white-knuckle, death-defying, thrill-seeking rides that require nerves of steel and the courage of ten lions. Or failing that, a slide...


Lisa says the best part of that video is the look of contempt I give her at the beginning when I'm forced to come back down the steps and explain how to use my camera for the twenty-seventh time. But personally I think it's the way Amelie tells me how to use the sack, despite never having done it herself.

The important thing is that I led by example, and managed to break at least three of the health & safety rules...

I'm leaving the others for another day. It's important to have something to aim for.

Of course, the problem with us adrenaline junkies is that once you're hooked on the drug of excitement, it inevitably leads on to harder stuff. Amelie and I completed the Tornado Toboggan Run five times...

And it was all downhill from there. Minutes later, we'd taken leave of our senses and were scaling the heights of the Rapids Water Coaster...


That's what I call a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Or 'never again'.

Toby's loving his rented high chair...

And I'm loving the wi-fi in the chalet. Twelve quid for seven days' access. That's only two quid more than the high chair. I might stay in all week and play Candy Crush.

If it wasn't for those pesky kids. Amelie had me out on the clifftop at 8am this morning, watching her climb a tree while Disco Bear splashed in the puddles. I was forced to eat my Branflakes al fresco with a baby in my arms.

Amelie's now itching to go to Woodlands, and Lisa's in the shower. I'm supposed to be making the sandwiches. And luckily, having spent an hour in Morrisons last night, the fridge is too full to leave them there.

We've arrived in Brixham! And Amelie's already taken her first photo of Disco Bear...

That's him relaxing on the sofa in our luxury chalet with his good friend Kayla the cat. We've been here for six hours and we still haven't managed a family photo, but the cuddly toys were being papped within five minutes of arrival.

Anyhoo, this is where we're staying...

You wouldn't get that for fifteen quid in The Sun. It's worth at least twice that. It's bigger than our flat and has nicer furniture, although by the time we've been here a week, it'll probably be just as stained.

It's also conveniently situated on a cliff...

That's Amelie checking how quickly she can run from the cliff edge to the patio doors in the event of a sudden landslide. The coastal path is on the other side of those bushes, and we've got views over St Mary's Bay. It's actually very nice.

We got here from Brighton in just under seven hours, which isn't bad when you have a family who can turn a five minute toilet stop into an hour-long eat-athon. I've no idea why they call it fast food. We spent an hour and a quarter at the services on the M27, and another hour in Honiton. Although the latter was surprisingly pleasant.

Of course, if we'd brought our own food, the stops might not have been necessary. And the good news is that I spent a considerable amount of time this morning preparing peanut butter sandwiches for Amelie, and freshly baked ham & tomato ciabattas for Lisa. The bad news is I left them in the fridge. So if anyone wants a free lunch tomorrow, my Mum's got a spare key.