One of my main reasons for having children was to provide me with a low-cost film crew to document my life...


That's the sound man kicking his legs in the corner of shot and testing the mic with some screaming, but the real talent's behind the camera. She's a lot like Roman Polanski. Well, she likes the company of young girls.

Unfortunately there's no time to edit any more footage. After an action-packed week in the heaven of Devon, I've reached the stage where I need a holiday. And besides, I haven't shaved for seven days, and our family photos are beginning to look like three people being stalked through the woods by a slightly camp Bigfoot...

So we're heading home...

I'm giving Toby a ten-minute head start. We'll pick him up in Torquay.