I have to say, I will be very happy when the guys upstairs sell their flat. Lisa completed the first half of a two-day fire safety course at work yesterday, and at 10:45pm last night I finally got around to asking her about it. So we were lying in bed, quietly discussing the pros and cons of letting disabled people burn in their wheelchairs, when I asked Lisa what she'd actually learnt that day. She replied "Not to plug lots of extension leads into each other". I said "Is that it?", she laughed, and the neighbours immediately started banging on the ceiling.

Here's a photo, if you're having trouble picturing the scene (thank god for estate agents' websites)...

The couple upstairs were lying in that bed, drifting off to sleep as they questioned their own decision to paint one wall white and the other one brown, when Lisa starts laughing, and they decide it's reasonable to try and break through our ceiling with a blunt instrument. They clearly feel that if they're living in a flat worth £180,000, they have a right to make their neighbours communicate via sign language after 10:30pm. I wouldn't mind, but Lisa doesn't even have a loud laugh, and we were talking at the kind of volume which would make my Dad say "Pardon?" from the foot of the bed.

Personally I'm amazed they can bang that hard without damaging their wood flooring. Let's face it, it can't be very high quality if it lets sound through like tissue paper, so it's probably ruined by a few thumps with a platform shoe. They'll never sell the flat now.

But anyhoo, when I'm not being victimised by the neighbours from hell, I'm busy applying for another job. I've heard nothing since I applied to be a drug dealer four weeks ago, so either I haven't got it, or they're too out of it on Mogadon to reply. But it hasn't put me off the NHS, especially now it's been saved by Tony Blair, so I'm applying to be a Filing Clerk at the hospital's 'Central Library'. Which is actually a small warehouse on an industrial estate three minutes walk from my flat.

According to the Person Specification on the NHS website ("Join the team and make a difference"), I'll need a working knowledge of the 'Computer Misuse Act', which is handy because I've been living that act for the past six years, and will be exposed to aggressive verbal behaviour "once a month - when casenotes can't be found". I'm glad it's only once a month. I don't think I'll go in on that day.

More concerning is that under 'Abilities - Mental', the following is listed as 'Essential':

"Agility to problem solve and trace trough treatment pathways and patient movements to find casenotes."

'Trough treatment'? Is this a branch of alternative medicine I'm not familiar with? I expect it involves treating people like pigs in order to save their bacon. I'll tell you one thing though - I may be quite agile, but I'm not examining patients' movements without rubber gloves and a peg on my nose. I wonder if I could get a reference from Gillian McKeith..?