It's the letterhead I've been dreaming of for the past five years...


Yes, the BBC have finally realised that Graham Norton's doing nothing for audience figures, and it's time to turn to a fresh face to restore some credibility to the primetime schedules. They want to know if I'm free on Saturday nights.

Or perhaps not.

The letter which dropped through my letterbox yesterday afternoon (what's gone wrong with Royal Mail?) is actually from Manchester United fan and long-time nemesis of Jeffrey Archer, Michael Crick. Though you'd never guess that from the signature. Michael and I were brought together by our mutual respect for David Van Day, and love of spelling mistakes, though he's currently refusing to let me take over from Paxman on Newsnight, which seems a bit unreasonable to me.

Anyhoo, I would explain further, but I have far more important things to discuss. Today, I'm pleased to report, was my Six Month Review down at the Jobcentre. Which is odd, as it's only two months since my 13-Week Review. I think the last one was such a success they couldn't wait until June to see me again.

Justin was just out, so this time I saw a Job Adviser called Ade. Naturally I planned to break the ice by calling him Lemon, but before I could get a word in edgeways, he informed me that his name's pronounced 'Addy'. So I thought on my feet and called him Teak for the rest of the interview. He didn't seem to mind.

It being half a year since I declared myself no longer loopy in a clinical sense, we naturally had plenty to discuss, though to be honest we talked more about Ade's hayfever, and the fact that the Jobcentre have lost my case file. Again. He said "This happens all the time". I said "I know".

But we eventually bonded over a box of tissues, and I came out of there feeling a lot better about myself, and with a new determination to find someone willing to give me an interview for a minimum wage job. Though obviously I'm not getting my hopes up. And besides, I'm going on holiday tomorrow.

Lisa and I have a long-standing commitment to only ever stay in properties owned by my family, so when we're not living in my brother's flat and spending weekends at my parents, we're holidaying with my sister. Unfortunately she's currently at the top of a mountain in Tennessee, and is stubbornly refusing to invite us over this year, so we've compromised and agreed to accept a week at her cottage in Weymouth instead.

When I last mentioned the place two years ago, I made light of the fact that the brochure describes it as "petite". Well I'm pleased to say they've revised it since then. They're now calling it "very petite". That's Advertising Standards for you.

Seagull Cottage may have all mod-cons (apart from an upstairs toilet, or any room to swing a cat), but it doesn't have internet access, so this will be my last post until we return. For the next week it's over to Big Sis...