Anyone with an eye on the property market (or more money than sense) will remember that last spring, local estate agents gave the population of Britain a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live above me for the paltry sum of just £180,000. Which they soon reduced to £178,000 when no one was interested. A year later I still don't think it's sold.

The problem, I feel, is that a lot of people are naturally keen to live next door to me, but they don't all like heights. Some people just prefer a hole in the ground. Well if that's you, I have fantastic news. Yes, it's true, the master craftsmen who woke me up in December have finished their incessant hammering, and this is the result...

You now have the opportunity (once-in-a-lifetime, obviously) to live underneath me. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "That sounds fantastic. But how much will it cost me? I'd expect to pay an absolute fortune for a privilege like that". And you'd be right. Which is why it comes as such a pleasant surprise to see that it's on the market for only £199,950. What a lovely turnaround. It seems like only yesterday that the police were banging on that door in the middle of the night, trying to evict the madman who lived there.

Of course, when you take into account the fact that I live on the ground floor, you might be tempted to think that a flat below me would be a basement flat. But you'd be wrong. It's actually a "double bedroom patio level flat". That's because if you're eight foot tall and you walk out of the front door (sorry, I mean the "entrance foyer"), your head is level with the patio.

Anyhoo, the property features a "faux fireplace with wood effect surround" and "oak effect" flooring, so if you're allergic to plastic, it might not be the flat for you, but if you've got two hundred grand in your pocket and you're looking for a one-bedroom undergound shoebox, this could be the home of your dreams. Especially if you're a hobbit.