I took Lisa to McDonalds last night for our anniversary. They're doing the Beef Deluxe With Bacon now, so it's a lot like a proper restaurant. On the downside, the Brighton Marina branch appears to be trying to recreate an episode of the 70s sitcom 'Mind Your Language' by employing a lot of comedy characters who don't speak English.

When we arrived, an irate woman at the counter was busy demanding free food on the grounds that the young girl from Eastern Europe had got her order wrong, and was telling the manager not to employ such untrained idiots. I felt she was over-reacting, but decided to join the other queue just in case. Lisa, meanwhile, was less easily put off, and confidently stood behind Miss Disgruntled. I think it was some kind of sisterhood thing.

If you're wondering why we don't order our food together, it's because Lisa likes to recreate the full restaurant experience by ordering a burger without mayonnaise, thus ensuring that it takes a full fifteen minutes to arrive. I can be fed, watered and halfway home by the time she gets her hands on a Happy Meal.

So nimbly avoiding the untrained crew member to my left, I went instead for the alternative: Miro from Poland. I asked Miro for the simplest of orders: a Beef Deluxe With Bacon. No fries, no drink, just a Beef Deluxe With Bacon. He said something incomprehensible in another language, so I repeated my order, adding that I wanted it on its own to take away. He replied "Do you want beef or chicken?". I pretended it was a reasonable question and said "Beef". He charged me £3.19, put it in a bag, and I went away happy.

An eternity later, and with the likelihood of Lisa ever receiving her food looking somewhat remote, I got bored with waiting by the door like some kind of McBouncer, and went back to the car. Whereupon I finally opened my bag and found a double quarterpounder with cheese. Not quite what I ordered, but close. Well, it's meat in a bun. I considered whether I could be bothered to go back and complain, and decided to check that I still had my receipt. I did. It was a receipt for a cheeseburger and fries. I think a staff training day might be in order.