It's my brother's birthday today, so Happy Birthday to him. I can't reveal how old he is for legal reasons, but suffice it to say he should now know the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything. I'll be asking him for that later.

As for us thirty-somethings, Lisa and I went over to Portslade on Wednesday evening to visit Lorraine and her 4-week-old little princess, Leia. We were there for two hours and she didn't cry once (Leia I mean. Lorraine looked like she might burst into tears at any moment). Personally I put it down to the ingenious way I held her, which involved making sure her Babygro rode up over her face so that she couldn't breathe.

Talking of which, we took Lisa's mother with us to see the baby, so I've now heard the killer cat lecture twice. I think it was even more entertaining the second time around. She had a real sense of menace in her voice.

Anyhoo, Lorraine's promised us an unwanted baby buggy which is worth more than my car, but we haven't actually taken delivery of that yet because it's at her parents' house, and her Mum's become quite attached to it. But in the meantime we dropped in on Lisa's sister and left with four carrier bags of stuff which Lisa assures me we had permission to take. The Winnie the Pooh mobile I'd heard about turned out not to be a phone after all, but that was the only disappointment. I was particularly pleased with the Tomy Walkabout 2000, a baby monitor which attaches to your belt so that you can wander freely around the house whilst listening to your baby crying in the east wing. Of course my flat's so small that we'll never be more than ten feet from the baby, and couldn't miss it crying if we stuck our fingers in our ears, but that's beside the point. The picture on the box shows it working at the bottom of the garden, so I'm hoping I'll be able to make it as far as the nearest charity shop.

But as if that wasn't exciting enough, there's this essential piece of paternity wear...


Although it wasn't until I put it on that Lisa told me it had vomit on it. I also regret modelling it in a shirt with a horizontal stripe. It makes me look like I'm trussed up like a turkey. Or about to go skydiving. But that aside, I'm all set to hit the town with someone strapped to my chest.