It's official: we're under attack. The elephants are marching on the Royal Pavilion (possibly via a trunk road)...


... and even an army of pirates (and short people with blue hair) is powerless to stop them...


It's like Cloverfield all over again. But enough about them, here's a tuba player on stilts...

I bet he can hit all the high notes.

Ahem.

Ok, back to the elephants. Guess what? They've been ridden by Fergie! I know, they're obviously stronger than they look.

To be honest, I'm not sure if the jumbo-sized bushes were an official part of yesterday's Car Free Day, but they were pretty hard to ignore. Walking through the Pavilion Gardens was like going on safari. Apparently they're part of The Survival Tour, a charity campaign to create more 'wildlife corridors'. Obviously that's something I know all about.

As for the rest of the day's entertainment, there was live music (and not just from people on stilts), painting, cycling, and 'Under Water Hairdos' ("have your hair turned into your favourite sea creature"). I went for the sea urchin look. Then there was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to answer this question:

"Ever wondered just how long Brighton's been a gay town? And why?"

I actually turned up to that one, but having heard that it involved walking around the Pavilion, down to the pier, along the seafront, up to Churchill Square, down through the Lanes, and back to New Road, I decided I wasn't that desperate to know. I'd rather find out over a cup of tea and a doughnut.

I did, however, make it as far as the "sandy beach area in front of Brighton Town Hall complete with deckchairs"...


Although obviously there were no deckchairs. If, however, you'd been standing in that spot three and a half years ago, peering through that very window, you'd have seen me sweating profusely with a camcorder. That's the room in which Lisa's sister got married. And it looks even more romantic now everyone's wearing pyjamas and Kiss Me Quick hats.