It's me and Amelie out on the town! One of us looks like death warmed up, and the other one's asleep. Try to guess which is which.

Anyhoo, with our daughter's vocal talents ringing throughout the flat, Lisa was finding it hard to sleep yesterday afternoon, so she suggested (ie. insisted) I take Amelie out for a while. We ended up down at the seafront, although frankly Amelie wouldn't know it. She nodded off thirty seconds after leaving home, and didn't wake up until we walked back through the front door. She obviously likes being outside, which will be handy if we decide to leave her on somebody's doorstep.

As for today, we've been assessed by a health visitor who dropped by this afternoon to ask us lots of important questions like "Are you white British?" and "Is English your first language?". To be fair though, Lisa's so pale she's more like a black albino, and after twelve days without sleep, her speech is barely coherent, so I can understand the confusion.

Having established that we're not from an ethnic minority, the health visitor then set about subjecting Amelie to a battery of tests. Most of them seemed designed to make her cry (and she passed those with flying colours), but having received the results, I can now exclusively reveal that she has two perfectly functioning cochleas. So she can hear us when we tell her to be quiet, it's just that she chooses to ignore us.

Anyhoo, the good news is that Amelie has been putting on an ounce a day for the past week, and is now 8lb 8oz. She's also 52cm long at twelve days old. So if she continues growing like that, she'll be a quarter of a mile high when she turns twenty-one. Apparently all her measurements are about average, with the slight exception of her head, which is marginally bigger than normal to accommodate her massive brain.

We were also told how to calculate her expected adult height (apparently my quarter of a mile estimate isn't realistic), so having spent ten minutes with six pages of graphs and a calculator, we now know that by 2026 Amelie should be 5ft 3in. So the tennis career's looking doubtful, but she could still get work as a jockey.