We've decided to return Amelie to the wild...


She's currently being raised by cows somewhere in the Sussex countryside. It's like Born Free, but with more milk.

Anyhoo, Lisa and I received word on Thursday that Big Sis was due to visit St Leonards at the weekend, and needed help with her application for the next series of The Apprentice, so naturally we dropped everything and headed over there yesterday.

We couldn't arrive too early because Sis was down at the police station pleading not guilty to a charge of using her mobile phone whilst driving, but fortunately by the time we got there she'd jumped bail and returned to my parents' house, where she was basting herself in a bottle of Maui Babe.


Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Blimey Phil, that Australian sun has aged Big Sis terribly. She looks about... um... fifty". Well as it happens, that's my Mum. On the left. Big Sis wouldn't let me take her photo looking the way she did.

Anyhoo, we had a very enjoyable time in St Leonards yesterday, although having spent the afternoon eating shoots and leaves, pushing daisies, and charging across the lawn at high speed, Amelie's demanding to know why we don't have a garden. She'll be putting herself up for adoption next.

As for Big Sis, she regaled us with tales of her close friendship with global R&B sensation Haynzy, showed us the cue cards she used in North London last weekend as the official compère of a major charity event (ie. school fête), and told us that she's only ever watched two episodes of The Apprentice, but has seen enough to know it's for her. She then asked me who Alan Sugar is.

So having caught up on news of all the millionaires Sis has dated in the last six weeks, we settled down to fill in her application form, while my Mum voiced the opinion that working for Amstrad would be a career step backwards. My Dad suggested she send the BBC her letter of recommendation from the Pentagon, but unfortunately she's lost it. Which undermined my line about her being organised and reliable. To be honest, I knew I was skating on thin ice there.

The one stumbling block in Big Sis's business plan is that she can only get six weeks off work to film the series, but as she said herself, "the chances of me getting to week six of The Apprentice are zero". I've told her to put 'perceptive' down on her list of main qualities.