I went to the 'Kemp Town Village Family Carnival' yesterday afternoon. Frankly I didn't really have an excuse not to - they were holding it fifty yards from my flat. Which is just as well. I'd be livid if I'd spent money on petrol to get there. I'm not saying it was disappointing, but if you weren't under eight or on the lookout for takeaway food and home-made jewellery, there wasn't a lot to entertain you.

Or maybe I'm just hard to please. After all, there was one of those inflatable ball things which you climb into before throwing yourself down the Devil's Dyke, and I have always wanted to do that...


Unfortunately this one was parked outside St George's Church and going precisely nowhere. The only white knuckles were on the bloke holding it still.

The theme of this year's event was 'Alice in Wonderland', so I was fully expecting to see David Van Day dressed as Tweedledum and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Sadly I was disappointed. He might be as mad as a hatter, but even he didn't turn up for the tea party...


To be honest, I'm sensing that wasn't the most popular part of the day. I haven't seen so many empty tables since Allan Love's fish restaurant closed down.

But if you're wondering where everyone was, here's your answer...


They all had front row seats at the main stage. If I hadn't read the news, I'd have sworn that was Henry Allingham on the trumpet.

And talking of talent-spotting, I was hoping to meet Simon Cowell this afternoon. It's the annual RSPCA Open Day at Patcham, so we were planning a family outing to stroke puppies and mingle with celebrities. Two years ago we met Cowell and Keig-Shevlin, while last year I skated on thin ice with Robin Cousins. Unfortunately I've received word from up the hill this morning that Amelie's not well. She's apparently stopped laughing and is off her food. Which is not like her at all. So after careful consideration, we've decided to give the RSPCA a miss. Amelie's throwing up enough as it is, without having to meet Simon Cowell.