Subscribe: Subscribe to me on YouTube

Saturday, August 20, 2011

It was the night of a thousand tears in the Gardner household last night. In one room I had Lisa, who'd realised that it was exactly one year ago today that she had her brace removed, and was feeling the loss of her teeth ever more intensely. And in the other I had Amelie, who was upset for a different reason. She awoke at 3am, crying her eyes out, and when asked why by a sympathetic parent, replied "I wanted two boiled eggs for my lunch". That girl has suffered like no one I know.

On the subject of suffering, I mentioned last week the hordes of deranged mental-heads that populate my daily life, and my need to be a little more assertive with them. I was referring primarily to my neighbours, who, over the past year, have plunged out of windows, died in suspicious circumstances, and accused me of everything from drilling at night to smoking on the stairs. Neither of which I've done. Mainly because I don't smoke, or do anything productive at night. Apart from sleep.

I signed up for the assertiveness course just days after the police discovered that the grass was greener on the other side of the stairs, in the hope of saying no to any drug pushers or witness intimidators. But despite that, the incident which still irks me more than any other was last September when the bloke upstairs told everyone I'd been drilling at dawn (the time of day, not the girl next door) and composed a beautifully written poster to help spread the lie even further.

The sign was so offensive, both in terms of bad language and spelling mistakes, that I didn't reproduce it on my blog, but the good news is that one year on, he's come out with a sequel. A new family moved into the block this week, and they're getting the same friendly welcome to the neighbourhood that we were lucky enough to receive last year...

Not exactly the same, it's true. Ours was hand-written and contained more swear words, but the unique grammatical style is identical. It's what Virginia Woolf might have produced if she'd had access to Microsoft Word and a printer.

Obviously, when he says...

who have to go to work"

... he's stretching the situation a bit. It's basically just me, two drug-dealers and a woman on the game. But even so, it's nice to get a mention. And even nicer not to be accused myself. Maybe I didn't need the assertiveness course after all.


Phil's Mum said...

Actually quite a polite notice compared with the one directed at you.  He even says thank you!

Dave said...

Are you sure it wasn't directed at the woman who's on the game?