One of the downsides of my current job is that I frequently have to leave behind the pleasant council estates of Brighton, and head out into the more crime-ridden pockets of Sussex. Having started my working day at the local hospital, I was soon sent off to the ghettoes of Forest Row, Uckfield and Lewes this morning, which meant driving through the mean streets of Ashdown Forest. They're currently experiencing the kind of crime wave rarely seen outside of Dodge City, so I was lucky to get out of there alive.

Only today, the local press have reported a shocking eyewitness account from someone who was petrified by five cobs. No, seriously. It came straight from the horse's mouth. More shocking still is that according to the article, "It is the latest in a series of incidents reported in the forest. Earlier this month Ashdown Forest Conservators appealed for help tracing two men described as riding extremely fast on thoroughbred polo ponies".

These common criminals make me sick. Why can't they use Ford Escorts like the rest of us? Frankly it was a relief to get back to Brighton and our inbred pit bulls.

On the subject of dangerous animals, Shimmy is currently staying with my parents in St Leonards, where she's been weathering the baby storm since Toby was born. I was hoping to have her back by now, but firstly she's having too much fun chasing squirrels, secondly we've run out of money to feed her, and thirdly Lisa's worried that her return might tip us over the edge into a nervous breakdown. Suffice it to say, she's not the easiest of cats.

Unfortunately that decision might be taken out of our hands. Word has reached us from along the coast that our beloved cat's in the doghouse. Apparently she wandered into the bungalow next door and started terrorising their hamster. Obviously that's not our fault - it's the fault of my Dad's Tom & Jerry DVDs - but at this rate, the foster parents might be sending her back.