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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Late last night, my sister posted this photo on Facebook of a four-eyed, double-chinned fat bloke recreating the death plunge of Sue-Ellen's little sister from the balcony of the Southfork Ranch in Dallas...


Unfortunately that's me on 16th February 2004. It was five weeks before I met Lisa, so I was a lot more wild and reckless back then, and willing to ignore any number of official signs...


In those days, Blogger didn't allow you to upload photos (and I used to write my posts by candlelight, using a quill and a bottle of ink), so those pictures never appeared here. I actually had to describe everything. Using words. Sometimes of more than one syllable. So, eight and a half years too late, here's the photo I mentioned of me on Miss Ellie's bed...


You can tell I wasn't the most natural of law-breakers. It's the first time anyone's looked uncomfortable on a bed that expensive.

Anyhoo, the reason those photos have finally seen the light of day after all this time is because Big Sis found them on an old memory stick. And because she's currently as high as a kite on drugs. I expect. She phoned me late last night to tell me that she's just become the kingpin of a vast narcotics empire, with a network of growers and pushers doing her bidding across the south-west of England. Or something.

Sis is actually the slumlord of an extensive property portfolio consisting of houses she used to live in and can't be bothered to sell. She rents them out to responsible, well-vetted professionals of the highest calibre. You know the sort: enterprising, resourceful individuals who know how to turn a garden shed into a cannabis factory.

Under normal circumstances, the only dope found at any of Big Sis's homes is the bloke she's currently dating, but out of the blue yesterday, she had a phone call informing her that the police had raided one of her properties with sniffer dogs, and promptly made an arrest. Which is worrying, because she'll never get any rent out of her tenants if they're staying at her majesty's pleasure. It's also annoying, because if she'd known they were making a fortune out of illegal drugs, she could have charged them a lot more.

As it happens, Sis isn't the only one dabbling in drugs at the moment. Toby had his first taste of Calpol yesterday. Lisa took him to the doctor's for his initial round of vaccinations, and they recommended that he was dosed up with painkillers before they started. Not that they did much good. He spent yesterday evening screaming at us with a red face and a plaster on each thigh, while Lisa tried to persuade him to have some milk, and I attempted to shove some more drugs down his throat. He wasn't a happy bunny. I think he takes after his sister.

37 comments:

Phil's Mum said...

Poor Toby!  Its not fair he should be introduced to pain SO early in life.

Phil said...

Oh, he's no stranger to pain. It's just the Calpol we've introduced him to.

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