I like to do my best to stand out from the crowd and be different to the rest of society, so I've just been and voted in the European elections. I don't know if it's just that there are a lot of pensioners around here, or whether it's down to a faulty setting on the photocopier, but here at Shotley Village Hall we seem to be using the big print version of the ballot paper. I've seen smaller posters.

I successfully passed over the BNP, the white-suited Martin Bell, and some bloke who claims he's fighting for local people whilst living in Hertfordshire, hovered momentarily on the ProLife party, whose only policy appears to be the protection of unborn foetuses, meaning you're unlikely to get an opinion out of them on the single currency unless you threaten to pay for your abortion in Euros, and settled, somewhat predictably, on the Lib Dems, who I still insist on flogging like a dead horse, even after my sole youthful flirtation with politics when, at the age of 17, I was invited to a meeting of the Basildon Liberal Democrats, only for them to merrily cancel it without telling me, and not turn up.

I think that's the longest sentence I've ever written. I should be a politician.

Actually, I've just remembered that it was the Lib Dems on the local council who were responsible for reducing the speed limit on the road into Shotley from 60mph to 40mph. God I hate them. And I'd hate them even more if I ever actually kept to that speed limit. This is what happens when you make snap decisions in the polling booth. I wish I'd voted for Kilroy now.