Would someone mind telling me what's going on? I can accept the fact that my website gets an average of nine hits per day for the phrase 'Jail Babes'. I'd prefer nine hits a day for the phrase 'Phil Gardner', but you can't have everything. Yesterday however, in one 24 hour period, my Jail Babes article received a grand total of SIXTY-FIVE search engine hits from all over America. I worry for that nation, I really do. You can spend four months writing a play, but what really gets the visitors flooding in? A stoopid article you wrote over two years ago, and a Poddington Peas quiz. You couldn't make it up.

Talking of plays, I've had a letter this morning from the Scottish Community Drama Association Playwriting Committee (catchy title), asking me if I'd like to "consider submitting one or more plays" (just how many plays do they think I've written?) for their 2005 playwriting competition. Closing date is January 31st next year, so at least it gives me time to save up the postage. I'll see how desperate I am after Christmas.

Anyhoo, I'm off to Brighton today. I won't say for how long, just to add an element of jeopardy for all you would-be burglars. But I've just spent £20 on a new stereo, so feel free to try your luck.