It's not healthy to be up this early in the morning, but hey, if you decide that on balance you can probably do without an air conditioner this year, this is what happens.

Still, it gives me a chance for a bit of Royal Ascot chat, which was on the cards from the moment I made the mistake of mentioning Choisir and the 2003 King's Stand Stakes to a certain someone last night, resulting in a blank look (if that's possible on the phone) and the words "why on earth would I have read your horses page?"

Which ought to have been a rhetorical question, but wasn't. Still, I refuse to be put off by such outrageous behaviour, so I'm ploughing on regardless. I'll get that column in the Racing Post if it's the last thing I do.

Right. Let's start with the King's Stand Stakes. Oooh, that name rings a bell. But then I've read my horses page. And yes, I realise I'm alone in that. Anyhoo, we could be up for another Choisir this year, with Cape of Good Hope popping over from Hong Kong for this, but personally I'm going with the 14-1 Boogie Street. Not only a good price, but a nice address too.

The St James's Palace Stakes features a hot favourite in the form of 2000 Guineas winner Haafhd, but will he win today? Why of course not, that would be far too obvious. Nope, the pick has to be Antonius Pius, who's over from France after deciding to kick one of his rivals at the start of his last race, and then run headlong into the rail for no particular reason, losing all chance of winning. He's clearly loopy, but that's why I like him. He'll romp home at 6-1.

The Queen Anne Stakes features my ickle sweetheart Six Perfections, familiar to anyone who's ever read my horses page. Your what Phil? That's right, my horses page. So that would be no one then. Never mind.

This race features more top quality horses than you can shake a stick at, but it's the girls all the way, with Six Perfections to win (at 9-4) and Soviet Song to finish second. Could I be any more helpful if I tried? Well ok, I could give you the third horse too. But I won't.

Oh ok, you twisted my arm, it'll be Hurricane Alan, a big outsider at 40-1.

Anyhoo, if you put a £10 accumulator on those three winners alone, you'd come home with... (reaches for calculator)... £3331.25. You can't say fairer than that. This blog is practically a get rich quick scheme. You can thank me later.