Following an entirely misleading (and frankly libellous) report on last night's Great British Spelling Test, I'd just like to set the record straight. The simple truth is that I'M the nation's greatest speller, and unlike Lisa, who's never had hiccoughs in her life and can't spell the titles of Johnny Depp movies, I was undoubtedly the moral victor last night, and would've won but for an extreme technical fault which seemed to affect (not effect) only my television and no one else's.

The fact is that I DO know how to spell 'definitely', but the correct spelling didn't appear on my screen, I swear. I looked through the five options, realised that due to an outrageous mistake on ITV's part, they'd omitted the correct answer, and was forced to plump for 'definately' instead. Is that my fault???

So despite scoring 43 out of 50, I SHOULD have got 44, which would've made me the winner, and earned me a pound.

Oh, and it's not my fault my text messages were delayed due to network problems, leading Lisa to think I'd scored 13 out of 15 on the third section, when I'd clearly scored 14. Nothing suspicious there at all.

And what's more, I'M not the one who had the nerve to get on the phone immediately afterwards and blame my mother for my failure to win. I didn't need to blame my mother - it was clearly ITV's fault that I didn't win.

So having argued on the phone for half an hour about our matching scores of 43, and which of us deserved the title of Britain's greatest speller (I think you'll find it's me), we were interrupted by a text message from MY Mum (you just can't get away from these interfering mothers) which read:

"How did you get on? I got 44."

Dammit!