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Monday, January 29, 2007

Protection RacketHaving lost all my money yesterday afternoon, I've not only decided I prefer cats to dogs, but also realised I could do with a new income stream, so I've successfully killed two birds with one stone by applying for the job of Copywriter at the National Cat Centre. Given that the headquarters of dog racing are in Barking, the NCC really ought to be down the road in Purrfleet, but fortunately for me it's actually just a short drive from Brighton. The hours of work are 10am-4pm, which suits me nicely as I've always felt 9-5 is overrated as a concept.

So I spent yesterday evening attempting to fill in the application form with an expensive pen (it's details like that which make the difference between success and failure) while Lisa watched Shipwrecked on the sofa. I managed to focus for a good three hours before the Big Brother final, at which point I got distracted and forgot to put down under 'Additional Information' that I have a Cats Protection tea-towel. But still, I'm sure my love of all things feline shone through.

Having not yet heard back from the Brighton Argus, my hope is to spark a bidding war between them and the cat people, until one of them offers me 50k and twelve weeks holiday a year. Although at a push I'd take minimum wage and a couple of luncheon vouchers.

Not one to rest on my laurels (or my hardys), I've also been scouring the jobcentre website for vacancies. Highlights of this morning's search include an 'Assistant Seafront Officer' for which you need "Local knowledge of the sea", and a vacancy for someone to carry out "general tasks on Brighton pier". What general tasks, I hear you cry? Answer: "changing bulbs". For which, apparently, "Previous experience would be an advantage". After all, you don't want to go employing someone who's never changed a lightbulb.

But my favourite vacancy is probably that of 'Fish Fryer', a job title so impenetrable that they feel the need to state that "Duties include frying fish". I'd apply, but believe it or not, I don't have the qualifications they ask for.