I don't like Ebay. I've been surreptitiously watching a guitar for the past five days, rubbing my hands together malevolently (it's quite cold here) whilst plotting the perfect moment to strike and claim it as my own. Obviously I don't need another guitar. It's almost seven months since I bought a Bloody Nightmare from an Elk and I've barely touched the thing, but...

... well just look at it. The body looks like a little piggy with a big eye. How can I resist styling like that? It's actually a Fernandes Nomad Deluxe, the world's only guitar (probably) with a built in amplifier, speaker, effects processor and drum machine. No, really. It does everything except make you a cup of tea. So if I combine it with Lisa, I'll want for nothing.

Obviously I already have three electric guitars, two acoustic guitars, one bass guitar, two amps, six effects pedals and a drum machine. But is that really enough? No, it is not. I need it all in one package. After all, there's no point having a room full of stuff I never have time to play - I want to go on the road with something I'll never have time to play.

The Fernandes Nomad retails for $599 in America (which seems to be pretty much the only place you can get them), although a number of retailers seem to offer them for $499. At current exchange rates that's about a tenner, but as Big Sis has now abandoned her post in the States, and I can no longer ask her to pop down to the music section of Wal-Mart for me, I was willing to pay slightly more than that to get my hands on one courtesy of some bloke in York. He claimed he'd had his for two months and never played it, which is not exactly a glowing recommendation it's true, but as someone who spends his days watching dust slowly settle on his unused guitar collection, I'm hardly in a position to judge.

So I've spent the past five days watching the price slowly creep up from £50 until it reached £127 yesterday morning. The auction was due to end at 12:15pm today, and with four minutes to go (yes, four minutes to go) it was still at £127. That guitar was mine.

240 seconds later, the world and his wife turned up, and it sold for £295. What the bloomin' heck is going on? Doesn't anyone work for a living any more? How dare they all be online at 12:15pm on a Tuesday, bidding on my guitar??? And who are these people willing to pay more than the guitar would cost new??? It's all a conspiracy to stop me spending money, that's what it is. I blame Jobcentre Plus. Although I'm not entirely sure why.

But still, there's always Christmas. And Lisa's kleptomania. One way or another I'll get that guitar.