I was down at the Jobcentre this morning, waiting to speak to someone knowledgable about my employment prospects (it proved to be a long wait), when a young female goth arrived. She was dressed all in black, carrying a bag with a skull on it, and listening to death metal on her Walkman at the kind of volume which meant we could all enjoy it with her. There were only two spare seats, one of which was next to me, so she walked up, stopped in front of me, eyed me up and down for a moment, then promptly chose the other one. It's nice to know that even to a weirdo, I look like the kind of person to avoid.

And talking of interesting looks, I had an e-mail yesterday from the organisers of Tacheback, announcing this year's top fundraiser. Some bloke called Chris Baynes managed to raise £5,110 with his moustache. Bearing in mind that my facial hair raised a total of £156.21, it makes you wonder just how stupid he looked.

As it happens, I'm currently tempted to grow another moustache, after Lisa knocked my shaving mirror into the bath whilst having a shower, and then trod on it. She claims it was an accident, but there's a fine line between treading on my shaving mirror and stamping on my face, so I plan to watch my back for a while. Although with seven years bad luck, she probably won't succeed in killing me until 2014.

In other news, Lisa was at her sister's house on Tuesday, and they received a visit from the lovely Lorraine (she of the delinquent cats and endless holidays). It was the first time she'd met Lisa's four-year-old nephew, so when Lorraine had left, Lisa's sister was naturally keen for a verdict, and the following conversation ensued...

Sister: Do you like Lorraine?
Nephew: No.
Sister: Why not?
Nephew: Because it makes me wet.

I should get him to co-write my next comedy script. The boy's a genius.

Anyhoo, I went to Lidl last night to do a bit of Christmas shopping, and having loaded my trolley with tat, I picked up a leaflet detailing next week's special offers. They've now moved on from Father Christmas outfits to fish, and as of Monday you can buy these...


"Choose from Grunt, Triggerfish or Painted Sweetlips fillets".

I'm really not sure I can. To be honest, I find it hard to believe that anyone eats fillet of Grunt. So having seen the advert, I asked Lisa if she'd ever heard of Triggerfish. She replied:

"Is it a band?"

And people wonder why I feel so alone. Still, it could have been worse. If I'd asked Lisa's nephew if he likes Painted Sweetlips, he'd probably have said "Yes, she seemed very nice".