It was a year ago yesterday that I started my new job as an all-seeing eye screener. Since then I've driven more than 4,000 miles across Sussex (I had no idea the place was so big), healing the sick and making blind men see. Usually by asking them to put on their glasses. Obviously a momentous anniversary such as this requires the purchase of a cake, and sure enough I bought one at the weekend and took it into work with me yesterday. Unfortunately I forgot it was my anniversary, and promptly gave it to someone else.

I actually celebrated the end of my first year in the job by sitting a City & Guilds exam on the anatomy of the eye. The cake was for my invigilator. So needless to say I passed. As it turned out though, I didn't need to bribe him to turn a blind eye to any cheating. I was actually the perfect pupil. And if you think those puns are bad, trust me, I know cornea jokes than that.

Anyhoo, my cake purchase may have been a little short-sighted, but fortunately I've had a vision. I've seen a way of making a guaranteed fortune by the end of the week. Lisa's Mum has been busy packing up her treasured possessions, ready to move house in a few days' time, so I kindly suggested that we drive up to her flat last night and take a few boxes off her hands. I thought we could take them over to her new place in my car, to save some space in the removal van.

At least that's what I told her. My real motivation was this...


That banner has gone up directly opposite my flat. I've spent the past week having to look at Fiona Bruce's giant nose every time I walk out of the front door. I don't know if it's just a crease in the tarpaulin, but she looks like something out of Lord of the Rings.

Anyway, the oldest thing Lisa and I own is made out of white formica, and all our crockery's microwave-safe, but Lisa's Mum has got a few choice items from the last century. Which technically makes them more than ten years old. Sadly I have to work tomorrow, but Fiona and the team are setting up shop less than a hundred yards down the road, so I'm sending Amelie along there with some antique glassware. She'll either make the Antiques Roadshow or You've Been Framed. Either way, we're quids in.