One of the advantages of being at death's door is that you can hear the radio coming out of hell's kitchen. I was popping some ibuprofen at the sink yesterday morning, and I happened to catch the 'Pause for Thought' on Radio 2. Which is something I never normally stop to think about. This edition focused on the benefits of altruism and the value of doing good deeds, but oddly, I found myself thinking far more about this moment...


I suppose it's one way to escape the fires of hell. I should point out that the lady on the right is comedienne Miranda Hart. Although when Amelie saw the picture, she said "Is it Mummy?"

Anyhoo, I'm still a little peaky, in fact I'm barely any better, but like a brave little soldier (with Gulf War Syndrome, shell-shock and an itchy trigger finger) I returned to work today in the hope of killing off my colleagues. I've also managed to edit together Amelie's birthday footage into an eighteen-minute montage of mindless movie magic. Film-making isn't easy when your throat's too sore to shout 'Cut!', but the star never listens to me anyway, so it didn't make much difference.

As I said this time last year, I don't really expect anyone to sit through all eighteen minutes of this. It's really just there as a record of Am's childhood, so that when she divorces us in ten years time, we can claim back the cost of the presents. Sadly, I had to edit out the girl's attempts at cake decorating, due to the threat of legal action from Lisa, who felt that I hadn't quite captured her best side. It meant that I had to lose the moment when Amelie stood back, admired her birthday cake with the wild eyes of a pyromaniac, and shouted "I want to put some fire on it!"

But in the absence of magical childhood moments like that, it's well worth winding forward to the nine-minute mark, to find out what she really thinks of her grandparents...


To be honest, I think they're bad news too.