It's a good job that Toby's beaming smile instantly draws the eye...

... otherwise people might notice the porn on the telly.

In our defence, we don't usually spend our weekends watching gratuitous nudity. Even when Amelie's away. The clock says 11:30, but rather than the late-night freeview on Playboy TV, that's actually an episode of 'Revenge' on Channel 4 yesterday morning. No really, I swear. You can show anything you like now Mary Whitehouse is dead. I've cleverly camouflaged my left arm as part of the sofa, and am operating Toby from the rear. It's the only way to get him to smile.

Anyhoo, the fact that I was still watching sex shows with my son at eleven-thirty yesterday morning, indicates that we didn't get to Toys R Us quite as early as we'd intended. And judging by how crowded it was, neither did anyone else. It's a statistical fact that every child under ten in the entire Brighton and Hove area was packed into that shop at 2pm yesterday afternoon. I can't prove it, but I know it's true.

Despite that, we did manage to get everything we wanted. Which in this case was a set of Zoobles.

Now, I'd just like to state for the record that I don't get Zoobles. I don't know what they are, what they do, or how they work. And even having bought them, I don't understand what the heck they're all about. And how shops can charge so much for them. But Amelie's been begging for a set for the past two months, and there comes a point when you have to accept that if she wants some vastly overpriced and pointless blobs of plastic, then she can bloody well have them. And on her own head be it. Oh, and Happy Birthday.

That point came at about two-thirty yesterday afternoon, as I stood in the packed Zoobles aisle at Toys R Us, shaking my head in despair, and saying to Lisa "But what are they?" for the twenty-seventh time. It was also the point when I realised just how old and out of touch I am with the younger generation.

Of course, when you're choosing birthday gifts for your daughter, it's important not to focus entirely on things that she wants. You need to buy her things that you want too. So I got her some Sea Monkeys.

I loved Sea Monkeys when I was a kid. I'm not sure I ever kept them alive for more than a week, but the excitement of that possibility kept me going for years. The packaging says they're not suitable for children under six, but Amelie's quite an advanced child, and let's face it, they're not really for her anyway. Frankly I can't wait to get started. Only nine more sleeps to go.