It's a well known fact that the face of the Virgin Mary is usually only visible in toast, tortillas, pretzels, grilled cheese and root vegetables. But with the school nativity now only eight days away, I've decided to break with tradition by publishing this picture...

That's the Virgin Mary's first ever school photo. And she's looking slightly deranged. I think they've photoshopped her a bit too. She's definitely more bronzed than usual, and she appears to have had botox.

Unfortunately, despite landing the most pivotal role in the school play (aside from Jesus and Santa), Amelie has decided that she'd rather be a rooftop. Two of her closest friends are playing a tree and a bit of guttering, And Amelie's discovered that those being roofs get to have birds dangling above them, which is apparently far more appealing than holding the son of God, and doesn't make your arms ache.

Obviously we're refusing to let her change roles, as it's important she learns that you can't back out of childbirth a week before it's due, even if you never see the father. But we're bracing ourselves for trouble. I think there's every chance she'll throw the baby Jesus to the ground, kick the ass up the bottom and start climbing the nearest stable.