The front page headline in the brand new issue of 'The Shotley Noticeboard' is:

MUSEUM MARKS CENTENARY OF SHOTLEY BUS SERVICE

Something tells me I'm not living in a very exciting place.

So with that in mind, I've spent a large proportion of the day trying to persuade my brother to buy me a flat in Peacehaven. After all, if you're going to move to within striking (not literally) distance of Lisa, where would you rather live - Peace [tranquility] haven [place of refuge] , or the neighbouring village of Rotting [decaying and infested with maggots] dean?

Obviously there's always Bright [clever or cheerful] on, but frankly I don't have the money. Of course, neither does my brother, but unlike me, he's the kind of bloke to whom people will lend it.

So that's occupied part of my day, with the remainder spent trying to earn some money so I might be able to pay him back before I die.

Talking of making money, I had a visitor to my website last night from America, who'd entered the words "Phil Gardner horse" into Google. So it's nice to know that news of my racing tips has crossed the Atlantic. This time next year I could be one of the leading causes of world poverty.