I'm sure my cat can read. Having spent Tuesday jumping up on the side of a box which said 'THIS SIDE UP', she's been busy all morning ignoring a dozen different boxes from booksellers and office supply companies, in favour of focusing her attention on the only one which claims to contain rodents.


And plump rodents at that. With reading skills like this, she'll be ready for her Key Stage 1 in September.

But anyway, my Mum's been here all day helping with the evacuation of my living room by loading up her car with books for the third world. Or Essex, as other people call it. They're all destined for the Oxfam bookshop in Chelmsford, who need something to read far more than my local Marie Curie shop, which is not only refusing to take more books, but is desperately trying to flog the ones it's got for 10p each. It's all I can do to resist buying more.

Anyhoo, you'd think that if you spend a few hours filling a car so full of stuff that the back bumper's in danger of scraping the tarmac off the road, your living room would end up looking pretty empty. Odd how that doesn't happen. At the moment you can't even sit on the sofa. Which is why Chloe's asleep on a box.

But in better news, Lisa and I were watching 'Richard & Judy' over a Valentine's Day pizza last night, and top psychiatrist Raj Persaud was on there talking about a new test which reveals the quality of your relationship, and the likelihood of it lasting more than a fortnight. I have a 30-day money back guarantee on that engagement ring, so this seemed like just the kind of test I should be taking. Especially as Raj said that only 15% of those tested had a 'consummate relationship', and the other 85% might as well call it a day. Or something.

So having beaten Lisa to the computer, I answered all the questions, and ended up with this...

"You have a 'total relationship' with your partner that comprises all aspects of love. Your relationship is very passionate and romantic, you have a great deal of intimacy and are able to share every feeling and idea with your partner, and, what's more, you are genuinely committed to this relationship in the long run. This is the kind of relationship that most people would only dream of having. You must be very happy... Congratulations!"

Which is lovely. I wonder what I'd have got if I'd answered them honestly?