You know it's Christmas when the first thing you eat in the morning is a mince pie. For three consecutive days. I wouldn't mind, but I've generally followed it with two slices of yule log and a cheese straw by 10am. I don't think I've eaten anything with vitamins since Wednesday. Which is surprising when I've barely stopped eating. Frankly the only thing I haven't swallowed in the last four days is my pride.

Anyhoo, as things stand right now, we're still at my parents' house in Chelmsford. Which is a bit of a problem because most of their stuff is in St Leonards. That's what happens when you spend Christmas with people who are moving house in January. I'm currently working my way through the contents of their freezer in an effort to cut the removal costs, but it's not easy drinking all their Shloer when there aren't any glasses. Fortunately it's not all bad. Apparently breastfeeding on a garden chair isn't as difficult as you might think.

As for my cat, well my parents seem to be keeping her in an old Ikea bag down the side of the fridge...


It's the modern equivalent of drowning kittens in a sack.

I'm planning to have Chloe home in the next few days, but I'm currently storing nappies in her old litter tray, so I need a bit of time to reorganise. We don't have the luxury of any space down the side of our fridge.

I'm not sure at the moment when we're heading back to Brighton. Lisa's refusing to go anywhere until she's spent the Next vouchers she got for Christmas, and I've pledged to go on a diet the moment we get home, so I'm not in any hurry to leave. I've taken the week off work, which is just as well, because the only place with more cakes than my Mum is the pharmacy stores at Brighton General.

In the meantime I'm single-handedly supporting the cocoa bean plantations of Venezuela, and stopping the makers of Pringles going the way of Woolworths. I've also bought some half-price hair clippers in the Sainsbury's sale, which is a bit like a blind man buying glasses. To be honest I only went out to stop Amelie crying. Lisa's tried singing to her, but it doesn't always work. Possibly because she keeps singing 'Shaddap You Face', and Amelie's more of an Ultravox fan. But the fresh air seems to calm her right down. Let's face it, it's not easy to make a noise when your tongue's frozen to the roof of your mouth.