Sadly, telling someone to get well soon, and sending them the most positive of thoughts, doesn't always work. It seems that Lisa's Aunt won't be getting her wish to see Amelie grow up after all. So the mood around these parts is a little sombre, and we all feel like making the kind of face Amelie makes when she tastes pear puree.

But the good news is that I know the winner of tomorrow's Grand National, and I plan to spend every penny of my winnings on a bunch of flowers so large that they won't let me through the doors of Vallance Ward without six boxes of chlorphenamine.

So without further ado, the first four past Red Rum's headstone tomorrow afternoon will be...

1st. Offshore Account at 33-1
He's done nothing for two years. Which is why he's going to win tomorrow. He's gone completely under the radar, and everyone's forgotten how good he was as a baby. I'll be saying the same about Amelie in a couple of years time.

2nd. Cornish Sett at 40-1
More than four years ago, I exclusively revealed the secret of jump racing success. Suffice it to say it applies to this horse. He might have only finished 12th last year, but he's been under the surgeon's knife since then, and you couldn't keep him out of the first four with a crowbar.

3rd Himalayan Trail at 33-1
This has all the signs of an Irish plot. Great last year, rubbish this year. I smell a rat...


4th. Darkness at 20-1
Owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and he'll come a lot closer to winning this than Eurovision.


I should add that joint favourite Butler's Cabin doesn't stand a chance, and couldn't win this race in a horsebox.