Amelie and I popped down to Lidl last night for some frozen kangaroo steaks. I thought I'd be hopping mad if I missed them. Having got there, however, and looked at the cold, lifeless body of Skippy lying in the deep freeze, I decided I couldn't do it, and bought some cod fillets instead. I never saw 'Finding Nemo', so I don't feel an emotional attachment to fish.

What I love about Lidl though, is that in addition to selling chainsaws for fifty quid, they frequently stock the kind of impulse purchases that I can never resist. Amelie and I only went down there as an excuse to go out for a walk in the sunshine, but by the time we came out, we'd bought so much stuff we could barely stagger home.

Chief amongst our non-essential purchases was a 'Moor Mud Back Pillow', which sounds like something Myra Hindley went to bed with, but is actually a therapeutic heat pad for back sufferers. It's why they wrote the song 'On Ilkley Moor Back Pad'. I bought it for Lisa, so that she can take her mind off her pregnancy-related back pain, and focus on her heartburn instead.

Even more thrilling than a plastic bag full of mud, however, was the German-made 'Door Decoration' that Amelie chose. It's basically a high quality photo print in three adhesive sections, which you can apply to any standard interior door to make it look like this...

Amelie wanted one for her bedroom, so I examined the packaging thoroughly, saw the words "Easy to apply", and promptly handed over £4.99. I told Am we could put it up this evening.

So I got home from work an hour ago and opened the box. The instructions inside say this:

I wish I'd bought the kangaroo steaks instead.