The trouble with this long, hot and record-breakingly dry summer we're currently experiencing, is that it leads to a high incidence of bushfires breaking out across Sussex. And since the death of Red Adair (they tried to cremate him, but he kept putting out the flames), what we're really lacking in this country, and indeed the world as a whole, is a brave fire-fighting super-hero with the courage to tackle the most fearsome of blazes single-handed.

Until now, that is...


She can even make the sound of the siren. I call her Polka Dot Gardner. She's hot stuff. And a little bit fiery.

But while Amelie's providing emergency services in the Hastings area, her baby brother's refusing to get off his bony bottom and put in an appearance. When the midwife gave Lisa a clean sweep yesterday afternoon, she said that within twenty-four hours, Lisa would probably start to experience period-like pains, after which the contractions would start, and labour would be under way.

Well, those period-like pains kicked in at 6pm yesterday evening. You've never seen such panic amongst two people old enough to know better. Having been told by the midwife that she fully expects this labour to be quick, we thought we had a matter of minutes before the head popped out. Lisa was chucking the last of her stuff into her maternity bag, and I was making sandwiches as though I was on Ready Steady Cook.

What followed was five hours of intense semi-labour. Strong pains, a lot of aching, and some irregular contractions. Lisa spent the evening on two paracetamol and a birthing ball. But by the time Paul McCartney started singing Hey Jude, things had calmed back down again. We didn't have a great night, but other than a bit of dull aching, nothing's happened since.

I tempted fate by going out to Asda this morning, but even that didn't bring on labour. I did, however, buy Amelie's present from the baby. He's coming into this world armed with a gift for his sister, so that she won't hate him when he starts getting all the attention. I've gone for a Hello Kitty 'Move n Groove' Scooter. It was either that, or a garden swing for the balcony.

In the meantime, I've been whiling away the hours by checking out our experience with Amelie. And what I discovered to my amazement, is that when Lisa went into labour last time, I was busy dreaming about penguins. Given what happened on Monday, I find that slightly unnerving. Although in 2008, I probably meant the chocolate biscuits.