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Sunday, July 01, 2012

In this day and age, it's important to have your sexual performance judged by a trained professional, just to make sure you're doing it right. It helps you avoid embarrassing cock-ups. So it gives me great pleasure to announce that mine was judged yesterday by not one, but two independent experts, and I was found to be spot on. Yes, all three of Shimmy's kittens are female. Which is exactly wot I said.

Admittedly, on my first amateur sex night in May, I thought one was a boy, but three weeks later, I'd nailed my colours firmly to the female mast, and on adoption day two weeks ago, I assured the new owners they had girls, girls, girls.

They didn't believe me, obviously. But having taken their little ones to the vet yesterday, my sexual prowess has been confirmed, and all three kittens now have names. H (possibly from Steps) has called hers Tilly, while Andrew has lost the naming battle with Stefan, and rather than calling theirs Janice and Susan, they've gone with a couple of old Hungarian names: Zita and Rozi. Which makes Shimona sound a bit more normal.

As for their Mummy, I phoned the vet yesterday and booked her in to be spayed. I tried the RSPCA first, in the hope of getting it done on the cheap, but due to limited funds, they told me I need to be on benefits. And, as previously discussed, I'm far too classy. So she's going to our usual vet on Thursday. Which gives me five days to find £70.

In the meantime, I've been trying to get this place ship-shape and ready for the new baby. I've been wanting to chuck out most of Amelie's belongings for... oooh, about three years now, but with the baby due in just four weeks time, it's become a matter of urgency.

So I took Amelie over to Lisa's Mum yesterday afternoon, to give me a few hours de-cluttering time. By coincidence, I met my colleague's mother in the laundry room at the sheltered housing, and she offered to take Amelie upstairs to see her husband's etchings. Two hours later, Amelie had burgled them to the tune of a bear, a dog, and a couple of quid in loose change. Frankly they've had more of a clear-out than I have.

But I didn't do too badly myself. I managed to fill three bin bags with unwanted (by me, not Am) toys, as well as making two trips to the communal rubbish area. I then rearranged Amelie's bedroom to create more space, and emptied two cupboards to store all the baby's belongings. By the time I'd finished, it looked like this...

It was so inviting, Lisa ended up in there with the laptop. It's the separate bedroom she's always wanted.

When Amelie arrived home, her first word was "Wow!". She then told me how much she liked it, before inspecting the cupboards and telling me that she wants them both, and the baby can't have either. Which is a taste of things to come. She then settled down to bed, enthusing about how much space she now has in her bedroom, and how lovely it all is.

When I got up this morning it looked like this...

Three bin bags, two lots of rubbish, and she's still got enough left to cover the floor. It's no wonder Lisa's scarpered. I'm beginning to think the only way to keep a child's bedroom tidy is to have them adopted.


Phil's Mum said...

It looks just like OUR house last weekend - in every room.

Calgarth1 said...

I know the feeling after having Laurence & family here for 2 weeks! As much as I miss them it is rather nice to have the house back to 'normal'!!

BS6 said...

A tenner for the guitar.  Only leaves you £60 to find.  Or a free guitar and I'll do amateur swiss army knife special attachment hour with Shimmy.  Sorry I've been quiet, am sure you can guess why.

Phil said...


Bs6 said...

Its the haircut and the Asbo sweatshirt