As it transpired, those eighteen hours of expectant twinges turned out to be a false dawn. The son didn't rise after all. Although he certainly kicked a lot. On Friday night, Lisa would have gambled every penny she owned on us having a baby by the end of the weekend, but I decided I could live without another 50p, so I didn't take the bet. And sure enough, things seem to have settled down again. It could just be the calm before the storm, but as things stand right now, we're approaching twenty-four hours of inertia. So if you've got an appointment for retinal screening tomorrow, you're in luck: there's every chance I'll turn up.

In the meantime, I've spent the weekend entertaining Amelie by running myself into the ground and having a nervous breakdown. She likes it when I collapse from exhaustion. Especially when we're playing Ring a Ring o' Roses. After viewing the work of a real artist yesterday, we were inspired by Lydia Monks to produce some masterpieces of our own, so having stocked up on craft supplies at the marina, we set about creating some modern art.

This one says Amelie...

I'll let my Mum decide what this picture's about...

And then there's this one...

Modern art can seem impenetrable at times, and there's a lot of subtext in the last one, but the important thing is whether or not the public like it. So having completed our work, we got Lisa in to judge which was best. It was a blind trial, by which I mean that firstly we didn't tell her who had done which picture, and secondly that she wouldn't know great art when she sees it. Suffice it to say, she chose the second one. I'm not saying if that was mine or not.

It's a well known fact that serious artists get through a lot of glitter, so having spent an hour or two looking for inspiration in the children's playground at Queens Park, Amelie and I headed back down to the art shop at the marina for more supplies. We followed that up by doing the weekly shop at Asda, which proved to be an interesting experience. As I was walking in, I spotted this bloke near the entrance, so I quickly ducked into the magazine aisle before he asked me for a lift home. At which point I came face to face with Frankie Cocozza. To be honest, I wouldn't have recognised him with his new haircut, but I'd been watching him on 'The Million Pound Drop Live' the night before, and I think he was still wearing the same outfit.

Amelie saw me do a double-take, and asked me who I was staring at, so as he pushed his sunglasses further up his nose, and headed off towards the fruit and veg (it's en route to the alcohol), I told her it was Frankie Cocozza. She looked at me and said "Who?". That's modern celebrities for you.