It's Christmas Eve! And traditionally, that's the magical time of year when I apologise to everyone I've ignored over the past twelve months. As a general rule, being friends with me is a bit like trying to contact the dead. It's mostly one way, and the replies you get are brief, vague and non-committal. You know I'm there and I love you, but you're lucky if I ever get in touch, and you only see me when you're drunk. I take ages to respond to e-mails too. Elvis is the same.

As for Christmas cards, that's a bit like sending a postcard to Terry Waite. You have no idea if it got there, and I'm generally chained to a radiator when I read them. But they do mean a lot to me, even if it takes me four years to acknowledge them.

So with that in mind, I'd just like to thank all the people who have sent me handwritten messages of hope this Christmas (I got nothing from Santa). Lisa sent out a batch of Christmas cards which were only marginally bigger than stamps, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't write in any of them. Not that there was much room. I'm confident that when the kids leave home (or are taken into care) I'll be able to sort my life out and actually make time for all my friends, but the fact that I struggle to do so, and yet still have people sending me stuff in the post and writing me e-mails, means a huge amount to me and is a source of much happiness, comfort and gratitude. Although I rarely find the time to say so.

This Christmas I've had stuff in the post from Brighton, Bristol, Bletchley, Burgess Hill and Great Bowden, so there's clearly some kind of pattern emerging, and the 'B's are a hive of activity. But whilst those people might have received precious little in return (and in some cases, even less) their generosity has touched my heart, and made me vow to be a better friend in 2014. In fact, I'm determined to visit all five of those places in person. The first one shouldn't be a problem.

In the meantime, it's a well known fact that Christmas is traditionally associated with great art. Since the Renaissance, we've been treated to awe-inspiring works of festive adoration by the likes of Leonardo, Raphael, and other members of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And I'm pleased to report that this Christmas is already following in that fine tradition. It goes without saying that Amelie can knock out a nativity scene in under two minutes...

... which is why most of them are now in the bin. She's churning out religious iconography like it's going out of fashion. But at the more exclusive end of the market, I'm pleased to say that we've received another festive masterpiece from The House of Cheshire...

Not quite as festive as the 2011 effort, but this one's in colour, and has a deeper message.

In an unexpected twist of festive fate, however, both of those works have been placed firmly in the shade by the almighty shadow cast across Christmas by this piece of seasonal art...

I think it's meant to be Lisa in a sophisticated scarf. I won't reveal the artist's name until I find out if he's got an agent, but I can tell you that he's good with video too...



Although he won't tell me how he did that. It helps if you've got a twin though.

Anyhoo, with only one more sleep to go until mayhem, I'll leave you with a festive message from my daughter...

She spelt all of those words herself. Which is why they're not easy to decipher. But here's wishing everyone a very Hapie Crismus. I'll see you on the other side.