Look at that. It's pure evil, that is. The blood-curdling roar of an amoral hell-fiend intent on the death and destruction of all that is sacred.

Well ok, it's Oscar. And I basically just happened to catch him in the middle of a yawn. But he is lying on my black t-shirt, and let's face it, the mobile phone camera never lies, so the fact remains - he's hardly whiter than white.

Well ok, he is white, but he's still quite naughty.

And what's more, Lorraine has been informed of his toilet habits. She phoned from a quayside in Portugal at 7:30am this morning, so I took the opportunity to update her on her cats' behaviour. To be honest, I think she was more concerned about the state of her dining room table than the condition of my shoes. But she did say she can hardly believe that Oscar would ever do such a thing. Before going on to describe what it's "usually" like when he does.

She also made me promise that if Timmy is sick again, I'll take him to the vet. I said I will. But only to ask for him to be put down.

Anyhoo, having received countless (that's if you can't count up to two) requests for me to post the entire list of cat instructions, I'm willing to reproduce number three, which is:

"They generally have half a sachet of the 'wet' food each and some biscuits morning and night. If you give them more than this they won't eat it and you will find it will go off and you'll have to contend with the stink".

Personally I can see five main problems with this instruction:

1. We've looked after her cats twice before, so I already know that.

2. If you give Timmy more than this, he will eat it. Along with anything else not wrapped in six layers of tin foil and placed under lock and key.

3. I'm aware that food goes off if you leave it lying around.

4. Does she really think I'd wait until the house stinks of rotting cat food before doing anything about it?

5. I'm not the one who left the mouldy onion in the fridge.

But other than that, I'm living my life by these instructions, and I wouldn't be without them.

Anyhoo, Lisa's finishing work half an hour early today, in order to give us more time to eat takeaway food (I can recommend the sausages from the Athena Fish Bar in Boundary Road), so I've decided to combine her collection with an attempt at international fame. Tony Blair's giving his keynote speech to the Labour Party Conference this afternoon, so I'm going to head into town an hour early and loiter outside the Brighton Centre. I'm wearing a bright orange t-shirt, which should be enough to get me noticed, so look out for me on the TV news between 3 and 4.

And if it doesn't work, I'm going back tomorrow with some fake tan and a padded jacket.