They do say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well frankly they're wrong. I've just received this in today's post...


Marvellous. Not only is it free, but it's FUN. And I have to take Jo Guest. This could not get any better.

The letter itself was posted in Folcroft, Pennsylvania (wherever that is), but fortunately I don't have to go to America for my free lunch. They're giving me the choice of Ipswich Corn Exchange on the 29th, The Erlsmer Hotel in Westcliff at noon on the 30th, or Hylands House in Chelmsford that same evening. Which is quite spooky, because I have family members in all three locations. Except Ipswich.

Naturally my only reason for going is the free food - I already know how to make money on the internet. Yes, that's right, I've picked the winner of the Paddy Power Gold Cup at Cheltenham this afternoon. This goes back to my surefire theory (previously mentioned, and indeed mocked, on this blog) about always backing a horse after it's had a wind operation. So on that basis, Brooklyn Breeze at 14-1 cannot lose this afternoon. He's even named after the wind for goodness sake. What more do you want?

So that's my financial future sorted. It's just a shame the money's coming a day too late. I received the news yesterday that a pair of evil house-buyers have beaten my brother to the mortgage application forms and put in an offer for the two bedroom flat in Telscombe Cliffs. The peeling paint on that balcony had my name on it (literally - I took a marker pen), so I wasn't happy. Another 24 hours and that flat would have been mine, all mine, dammit.

Sorry, I mean my brother's. But we're a close family.