I'm not sure I'm in a fit state to write this - I've been up since 4am, and have spent the morning going back and forth between my doctor's surgery and the local chemist. It's ok, I haven't just been told I've got a terminal illness - the results of the blood test won't be back until next Wednesday, so it'll be another week before I get that news. But having whined to my GP for twenty minutes, and been subjected to a physical examination so intimate that she now knows me better than Lisa does, I can officially report that I'm being ravaged by some kind of potentially lethal infection, and could be dead by Tuesday. Unless the antibiotics she's given me work. Which they almost certainly will.

I've not seen a doctor at this surgery before (here's an artist's impression if you're having trouble picturing the scene), so to compensate, I actually visited twice this morning, once to disrobe behind a curtain and let them take the piss (well, a urine sample), and once to let them suck my blood and give me another appointment. I'll find out how long I've got to live next Thursday.

I was very impressed by Ardingly Court Surgery though. In contrast to Lisa's doctor, who keeps you waiting for two hours, and then acts like a befuddled old woman on a bus, my doctor barely gave me enough time to open a copy of Heat magazine, and called me in after two minutes. She was also highly knowledgable, experienced, professional, and almost certainly younger than me. I feel like I've wasted my life. So it'll be even more annoying if this infection's terminal.

On arrival, they also let you book yourself in via a touch-screen computer system. It's like the British Airways fast check-in service at Gatwick, except you don't have to leave the country within an hour of hitting enter. I for one approve. It's so much easier than having to talk to a receptionist whilst trying to look ill so that she won't think you're wasting their time. I usually cough so much I can't say my own name.

Anyhoo, my current health situation has precluded me from making any meaningful progress with my writing, but less than a week after saying I felt like packing up my stall in the job market and going home to write a book, the news seems to have reached the local press. This advert has just appeared in today's Argus:


They want someone "to support Gardners' internal computer hardware and software systems". Which I have to say would be very handy. And when you've switched on my laptop and opened up Microsoft Word, maybe you could make me a cup of tea too.