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Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dora the ExplorerIt's not every day you have to wrestle Dora Bryan on the floor of a charity shop, just to buy a copy of Richard & Judy's autobiography. I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with my life. But I popped into the Marie Curie (or Mariah Carey, as I like to call it) shop around the corner this afternoon where, in an act of supreme selflessness, I decided to buy a copy of Madeley & Finnigan's life story for Lisa. She's been feeling a bit under the weather lately (Lisa, not Judy), and I thought it was just the kind of rubbish which might cheer her up.

Unfortunately my efforts to brighten Lisa's day were thwarted by octogenarian star of stage and screen, Dora Bryan, who was encamped at the counter, demanding to know if anyone had seen her tapestry. Apparently she's recently started one (possibly of King Harold getting an arrow in the eye) but having settled down this morning to work on it, she found it had gone missing, and therefore came to the only logical conclusion: she must have left it in a charity shop.

Sadly for Dora, the staff assured her that no recently-started tapestry had been handed in to lost property, and despite getting the manageress to check out the back just in case, it was like finding a needlework in a haystack, and they drew a blank.

So having finally accepted that losing stuff is all part of life's rich tapestry (especially when you're living the life of Bryan), Dora moved off towards the exit. Which she then proceeded to block whilst she had a conversation with some bloke about the health of her old friend Kenneth in London. Apparently he's not been at all well.

In the meantime I handed over my £1.50, assured the woman on the counter that the book wasn't for me, and attempted to leave. Only to find that I couldn't get out of the shop for retired actresses. I said "Excuse me...", Dora ignored me, I tried to gently push past, she didn't move, and before I knew what was happening, we were practically doing the Lambada in the middle of Marie Curie. I haven't been so intimate with a celebrity since I trod on Nicky Keig-Shevlin's dog.

But all's well that ends well: Lisa likes her book, and Dora Bryan's not going to press charges after I pushed her into a clothes rack.