I'm the best conflict-resolver in the business...


... and I'll deck anyone who says otherwise.

It's almost four months since I spent seven hours in Haywards Heath learning how to avoid being knifed, and I'm pleased to say that as of 3pm this afternoon I've finally got my certificate. Who says the NHS moves slowly.

It's actually quite appropriate, because the Chief Executive's always banging on about 18 weeks.

On the downside, my certificate's dated five days before I took the course, which is not ideal. I rang Alan Pearson to complain, but the conversation quickly degenerated into an argument, and having traded insults and threatened each other with violence, I ended up slamming the phone down.