Amelie's currently on a fact-finding mission to St Leonards, where she's attempting to find out just how much food she can persuade her grandparents to give her in forty-eight hours. As a result, Lisa and I have a couple of evenings to ourselves. Which means tonight is officially date night in the Gardner household.

Unfortunately Lisa always was a bit reluctant to go on any dates with me, and nothing's changed since we got married, so I've failed to persuade her that this is how we should be spending the evening...


But it's not just that she doesn't like bondage, she's also refusing to go and see Gulliver's Travels in 3D at the cinema. She's worried she won't be able to concentrate and follow the plot. Which suggests she's never seen a Jack Black movie before. Personally I think she's just prejudiced against midgets.

Anyhoo, she did say I could go on my own, but having thought through the situation and considered my options, I've decided to stay in and make her feel guilty instead.

Tomorrow, however, she won't be getting a choice. We're off to the Brighton Theatre Royal to see Psychic Sally Morgan, Britain's biggest clairvoyant. Although she's not as big since she had a gastric band fitted. I'm hoping to get a message from my dear friend Oscar, who was sadly and unexpectedly taken from us a few years ago at the tender age of nine.

He died in 2004, just two months before I met Lisa (which shows the lengths to which some people will go to avoid her), but I've spoken about him many times, and to this day, I know how much Chloe misses him. I do too, actually. It's also a shame that Amelie never got to meet him, as he shared her appetite for sausages, fish fingers, and basically anything edible. If anyone could have eaten that girl under the table, it was Oscar.

Admittedly I'm a skeptic when it comes to psychics and mediums (especially those who used to be extra large), but if Sally manages to pick up some of Oscar's words from beyond the grave, or a vision of his ginger hair, I'll be willing to reconsider.