It's a poignant symbol of multicultural Britain...


Yes, Amelie's getting to know Mrs Gupta from the corner shop.

Or possibly Big Sis has come to visit. It's hard to say which. But either way, it's like a promo shot from the 'Ebony & Ivory' video. I don't know whether to start marketing my own fake tanning products, or put my sister forward for a MOBO Award.

As the old saying goes, 'If Mohammed won't come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed', so when Lisa and I told her that we wouldn't be coming to stay this weekend, there was only one thing Big Sis could do: adopt the skin tone of a muslim, and came straight to us. Not only am I a man-mountain, but I'm now officially over the hill.

So to our slight surprise, Sis phoned us up late on my birthday to say that she'd be driving from Wiltshire to Sussex on Saturday to spend 24 hours in our company, before working on location in Kent the next day. Possibly as a fruit picker. She arrived yesterday afternoon, and is officially the colour of a Malteser, having spent seven days with Ira Losco in the Med.

Amelie's made the most of her auntie's visit, by repeatedly saying "Can I go and watch her?", and then proceeding to stare at Big Sis like she's some kind of circus freak. But to be honest, we all do that. The main advantage of her visit, however, is that she's come bearing gifts. I got a birthday card and a £30 voucher for The Well at Bulkington (it's what I like to call a 'Get to The Well Soon' card), while Lisa got a sympathy card of a different kind, plus a gift from a service station. Sis said she saw it and thought of Lisa.

It's a Mr Bump book.