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Saturday, June 29, 2013

It's me and Am on the Fairy Tale Brook at thirteen minutes past eight!


I think the fairytale we were going for was Grimm. And I'm joking about the time. Legoland closes at 5pm, so at 20:13 we were still trying to get out of the car park.

Anyhoo, it's a well known fact that despite the amount of hate mail I get, I rarely have a bad word to say about anyone. Although I might slag off someone called Olivia tomorrow. But in all honesty, Legoland was a crushing disappointment. I definitely preferred Brixham to Bricks Am. Despite a world of possibilities, all they seem to have built out of Lego is a vastly overpriced temple of consumerism. And they have more queues than Ronnie O'Sullivan. It wasn't just crap, it was expensive crap. And they won't even let you leave. But I digress...

One of the highlights of the past fortnight has been my emergence as a sandwich-making tour de force. Not only did I spend many happy hours in our chalet last week making packed lunches for four, but I was up at five-thirty yesterday morning, baking ciabattas and buttering bread. Which explains why I was starving by 11:30 and eating it all. I was glad we took our own food though. Having driven through the torrential rain of the M25, we arrived at Legoland at 10:45am to be greeted, not by a selection of rides, but by a range of shops. And I don't mean these shops...


This was one of my main criticisms of the place. They charge £45.60 - yes, £45.60 - for one adult ticket on the gate, but having remortgaged your house just to get your family inside, you're presented with endless shops, stores and attractions designed to relieve you of more cash. Once through the turnstiles, all you can see are shops, snack bars and restaurants. You pass a toy shop, a sweet shop and a clothes shop before getting anywhere near any rides. And with the prices they were charging, the entire proceeds of Live Aid would have bought the Ethiopians a couple of burgers and some fries.

Of course, we didn't pay to get in. If we had, I'd be writing to Watchdog. But having entered for free, courtesy of Mr Tesco, you'd think we could have had a whale of a time regardless. And to be fair, Amelie did enjoy herself. But let's face it, she can have the time of her life in a rundown playground on a council estate. I know, because I take her there a lot. For me and Lisa, however, Legoland failed to match up to the Woodlands Family Theme Park on every single score.

We were there all day yesterday, and went on a total of eight rides. Which, at current ticket prices for the three of us, works out at about sixteen quid a go. And we avoided all the 'big' ones due to long queues. The calibre of ride we were getting for £16 was a lot more like this...


That's Lisa failing another driving test in a different coloured scarf. She might have looked overdressed for a safari, but when it came to mingling with the jet set, she was a lot more at home...



Anyhoo, while Woodlands offered us a whole week of fun for a fraction of the price, along with rides for all four of us, and even a microwave to warm our baby food, Legoland seemed entirely geared towards getting our money. They had far too many shops and not enough toilets. The place was packed, the queues were long, they had hardly any seats anywhere, and the rides themselves were disappointing. Even without queues, they would have seemed a let-down.

On the plus side, the good thing about a lame ride which goes slower than 1mph is that it makes it easy to get good photos...


I really like that one. Obviously it was taken by Lisa, so I did have to crop it a bit. She has a tendency to film foliage, so the original looked like this...


To be honest though, it could have been a lot worse. The first ride that Amelie and I went on was the Viking River Splash, and having stood in the queue for half an hour, I texted Lisa just before we climbed into the boat, at which point she and Toby took a prime position on the first bend, readied my camera, and snapped this memorable image...


To be honest, it wasn't everything I'd hoped it would be. Let's face it, no amount of cropping is going to improve that one. We'd have gone round again, but the queue had grown to 45 minutes, and the actual ride was rubbish. Even Amelie said it was lame. Although she says that about my singing, so you can't always believe her.

Sadly Toby didn't get to go on anything all day. He did come into the Imagination Theatre with us, but he refused to wear the 3D glasses, so I'm not sure he really enjoyed it. I shared my ice cream with him though. Which was an act of extreme generosity, as they charge £2.95 for one scoop.

One bit which did look quite good was the brand new Duplo Valley Splash & Play area, which has only just opened. Unfortunately it summed up the whole place perfectly. It's a small water play park, and requires you to wear a swimming costume. So they've opened it alongside a store selling vastly overpriced swimsuits.

Ultimately, Legoland was rubbish...


But if we thought the crap was behind us when we walked back through the turnstiles, we were very, very wrong. The park closed at 5pm, but they don't let you leave until you've paid £3 for a ticket to exit the car park. And the only self-service ticket machine was faulty, requiring a member of staff to operate it for you. So by the time we'd got our ticket, returned to the car, and started moving, it was 5:40pm.

It then took us an hour and a half to leave. We reached the main entrance at 7:08pm. Seriously. For reasons which still remain a mystery, the cars leaving the car park were completely gridlocked for over an hour. We sat there, averaging an inch a minute, while fellow Legolanders gradually lost their cool and went mental. By definition, every car contained children, and you can't shut kids in a car for ninety minutes without moving. People were abandoning their vehicles and playing football on the grass verges. Others were shouting and screaming. One woman started chucking traffic cones into the hedges, another ranted that she'd paid £250 to treat her family to this kind of hell, while the man in the car behind went on the rampage, snapping fences in two, and chucking poles across the car park. I've heard of breaking down barriers, but this was more like watching a low budget remake of Cloverfield.

When staff eventually turned up, they blamed the traffic on the main road, and were almost jumped on by an angry mob. Their only solution was to open the ticket barriers at the exit to speed things up a bit. Which meant we needn't have paid that three quid.

Our original plan had been to leave Legoland at 5pm and head to the Harvester a few miles down the road for one last family meal before I return to work on Monday. As it transpired, we were stuck in the car for four hours, grabbed a quick sandwich from a service station, and got home at 9:30pm with both children in tears. Next time I think I'll just spend my Clubcard vouchers in store.

6 comments:

Phil's Mum said...

Stupid me - telling you not to leave Legoland too early because of the traffic on the motorways!! You didn't get that choice! I did actually say to your father that you will probably say Woodlands Theme Park was MUCH better. BLACK MARK for Legoland! As Amelie says, Devon is Heaven. Not difficult to work out what Legoland is.

Rozi and Zita said...

Wow! Very useful reading about all this! We were planning to go to Legoland in July, but won't after reading this! If there's one thing I hate, it's being fleeced and ripped off. What a nightmare.

Phil's Mum said...

I didn't know you could take cats there, and anyway you've got something else to do at the end of July.

Poirot said...

Phil's Mum - am I looking for something that rhymes?? I can think of many non-rhyming words!

Phil's Mum said...

No, it doesn't have to rhyme - just contrast with Heaven! I thought Poirot could work everything out!

Rozi and Zita said...

(we know, we just want Legoland to THINK we're not going....:-)