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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Ok, I'm back. Having been kept away from the coalface of blogdom by a two day headache (obviously brought on by overwork and the stress of a modern 24/7 lifestyle), I've been cured by the metaphorical aspirin of Channel 5's 'Cosmetic Surgery Live' with Vanessa Fatz (she's presenting, not having her breasts done).

Actually, it's not called Channel 5 any more, is it. They've dropped the 'Channel' and changed their name to 'Five', presumably realising they were pushing their luck claiming to be a TV channel. But personally I approve. It's like 'Emmerdale Farm' rebranding themselves as 'Emmerdale'. It doesn't take so long to read the opening titles, meaning you can pack in a lot more storylines about under-age sex.

Anyhoo, 'Cosmetic Surgery Live' ("from buttock implants to genital enhancements" - yes, that really is how they're describing it) is clearly a quality show, last night's edition of which was entitled 'My Breasts Are Too Small'. I don't think that was a direct plea from Vanessa, but I could be wrong. I particularly enjoyed the graphic close-ups of infected pus-filled bosoms (a beautiful shade of green - I now know what colour to paint my bathroom), and the woman who had a nose job two hours previously, and confidently declared "I'm really pleased with it" before they'd taken off the bandages.

Offering a more human touch was Daniella Westbrook, who swapped tales of nose reconstruction with members of the public, before trying to interview a woman immediately after we'd watched her having something injected into her lips. "I don't think I can talk" pleaded the woman. "Don't worry about that" said Daniella, and ploughed on with the next question.

But boy oh boy, do I wish I had a camera on my mobile phone. Vanessa invited viewers to text in photos of their naked body parts, to enable her co-host (an American bloke who I'd like to think has some kind of medical qualification, and wasn't just the second-hand car salesman he appeared to be) to give an instant opinion on whether or not they need surgery. Marvellously, the British public is full of people who'll happily whip off their clothes for a national TV show, and we were soon treated to a few shots of women with perfectly normal breasts, allowing some considered opinions to be voiced thus:

Fatz: "So this person should have surgery?"

Bloke: "Yes."

It's good to know that TV presenters are allowed to advise people to have major operations based on nothing but a mobile phone picture message.

Fantastically, this show is no mere one-off, but a nightly event. Tonight's edition is entitled 'I'm Too Fat', allowing Vanessa the chance for some personal input, and promises a spot of live liposuction. I'll be setting the video for that one. Unfortunately I can't reveal the title of Friday's installment in case there are minors reading this (in which case, get back down t'pit immediately, hehe) (sorry), but the first word is 'Designer' and the second word rhymes with the first. Stop right there.

And as if all that's not enough, Richard & Judy are back on our screens after their summer break. Could things get any better than this?

Incidentally, has anyone heard if Lisa's back from Italy yet..?