I didn't sleep very well last night, so I'm in a bit of a daze at the moment, but the good news is that I'll soon be able to afford all the black market sleeping pills money can buy, because it's the Grand National today. I've been predicting the winners here with uncanny accuracy since 2004, and whilst I can't remember exactly how many I've got spot on, I know it's roughly about six. Give or take five or so.

So before I pop into town for some industrial strength Nytol, here are the four horses guaranteed to be romping up the home straight at four-thirty this afternoon. Possibly with their jockeys still on board. And not all of them in a horse ambulance...

1st. Ballyfitz at 66-1. Opinion is divided on this horse. Some people say he couldn't jump a fence to save his life, and wouldn't make it around Aintree without a jet-pack. Others say he's actually a talented animal. Unfortunately, all the people who know about racing are in the first camp. I'm in the second. And I've got two quid on him at odds of 90-1. He's going to win. Trust me.

2nd. Eric's Charm at 50-1. As someone said on TV this morning, "he's old enough to smoke". He's also older than my niece. And probably less sporty. But there's life in the old horse yet. And I'll collect a hundred quid if he wins.

3rd. Character Building at 22-1. No woman has ever won the Grand National. It tends to be horses. But this year, Nina Carberry could become the first female jockey ever to triumph in the race. Except she won't. She'll be third.

4th. Maljimar at 40-1. He hasn't won a race for more than two years. And he won't win today either. But he will land me a bit of place money.

Right, that's your lot. I'm off into town to spend my winnings.