In the wake of his recent sentencing, new footage has emerged of Jeremy Forrest crossing the channel with a schoolgirl...

The way that boat's tipping to the left, it's a miracle they ever made it. You'd think a maths teacher would have balanced things a bit better. And that's not the number 10 on the back; it's the last two letters of pedalo. Jeremy scratched off the rest, in case people thought it said paedo.

Anyhoo, it's a well known fact that the family that swings together, stays together...


Obviously Toby isn't in that video, but someone had to hold the camera. It's just a shame he didn't pan to the right to show my massive backside knocking Amelie off her feet and straight into the trees. It was a real father-daughter moment.

Of course, anyone who saw Amelie's directorial debut the other day is probably wondering why I don't let Lisa film any of these videos. She is, after all, a mature and sophisticated woman with the neckwear of a showbiz luvvie, and should be capable of matching the camera work of a four-year-old. Well, here's your answer...


She elicits wooden performances from her stars. Mainly because she only films trees.

Anyhoo, the last weekend of our holiday was spent entirely at Woodlands Leisure Park, so with a total of four days there, we definitely got our money's worth. Saturday was probably the lowlight of our holiday, mainly because we had the kind of conditions that meant we had to spend half an hour in the gift shop looking for treatments for frostbite and trench foot. I'd say it was the weather from hell, but frankly hell would have been a lot warmer.

Fortunately, in our efforts to shelter from the rain, we stumbled across Woodlands' top-secret research lab where they carry out evil experiments on helpless victims...

Well, I say top-secret. The sign did give it away a bit. But before we knew it, they'd turned Amelie into a turtle...

Personally I was more than willing to let her stay that way. A hectic week meant that by Saturday her tiredness levels were peaking, and she was touchy in the extreme. I couldn't even shoot a simple video of Lisa on a pirate ship without it being gate-crashed by Amelie sobbing into a foot-long Slush Puppie...


And that peacock's just taking the piss.

But as luck would have it, the day was salvaged by a visit from a very special person...

And that person was willing to dress up as Peppa Pig and hug my daughter. Which was more than I felt like doing. There were signs all over Woodlands on Saturday stating that a photographer would be in the park, taking photos which might be used for marketing purposes. Which was worrying as I rarely allow pictures of us to appear on the web.

By the time we got back to the chalet that evening, Amelie was already appearing on the Woodlands Park Facebook page, and what's more, she was smiling. As was Lisa on that horse. I promise I'll publish that photo tomorrow...