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Thursday, June 27, 2013

The legs of a supermodel; the scarf of sophistication; the elegant pose astride an equine powerhouse... and the coat of John McCririck. Yes, it can only add up to one thing: it must be Ladies Day at Royal Ascot!


That's Lisa sitting on her ass. Or maybe it's a donkey. Either way, the most remarkable thing about that photo is the way the saddles look exactly like her shoes. It must be why they call them mules.

Anyhoo, that photo was taken on Sunday in the Woodlands Park Toddler Zone, which is only open to people under 1.1 metres tall. Amelie's 1.2 metres. And even with the exhausted stoop of the world-weary, Lisa stands higher than that. So the only one with any right to be there was Toby. And he was asleep at the time. But the rest of us enjoyed it. It's the first time I've seen one of those horses since I was five years old at Swan Mead Park in Basildon. And if my mother's half the woman I think she is, she'll be e-mailing me a photo of that within the hour.

Saturday's highlight for me was the sight of Lisa dressed as an air hostess on the Rockin' Tug ride...


... but the day had ended badly when I opened the boot of the car and watched as Amelie's Peppa Pig balloon made a bid for freedom on a freak gust of wind. I've never seen three quid disappear so quickly. Well, not since Lisa ordered a small latte at the motorway services.

So with only one day of our holiday left, I was determined to end the week on a high. Namely, the top of the Arctic Gliders ride...


I look like a fatter, greyer, Ming the Merciless. Only older, and with less of a lust for life. And having been down that ride with her one more time, and come even closer to falling off, I decided it would make far more sense to employ a body double to do all my stunts and escort my daughter down the hill...


I'm trying not to take it personally, but I really don't think Amelie realised it wasn't me. I thought she was going to hug him at one point. She wiped the floor with those other kids though. I haven't seen anyone go downhill so fast since Kerry Katona started drinking.

Anyhoo, after a quick ciggie to calm our nerves...


... we ended both the day and our holiday in the Fantasi Forest zone, where Amelie fed some fish, got spooked by a troll, and grew slightly annoyed with her parents. Now, I realise that some of this week's videos haven't exactly portrayed me and Lisa in the most flattering of child-rearing lights, and look more like trailers for the new series of Supernanny. But in our defence, we don't always laugh at our children when they're in life-threatening situations, and personally I think that danger builds character, and neglect helps them stand on their own two feet.

So here's me and the wife having fun while our children are in tears...


In the woods, no one can hear you scream. Unless you're Amelie throwing a tantrum. Although when she started, I thought she was a parrot. She was slightly miffed because she wanted to feed the fish, and we were eating into her schedule. Which is ironic, as she'll never do anything we want on time. She was fine two minutes later though, I swear...


The wizard's house juts out over the lake and has a hole in the floor, so the fish swim right up to be fed. It's really quite charming. And they play background music over loudspeakers, so you can't hear your baby crying outside.

2 comments:

Phil's Mum said...

I've failed the challenge! Obviously I never took photos of you in parks when you were five years old. (Found a few other embarrassing photos I could email you, if you like!)

Phil said...

She's living the dream, there's no getting away from it.