I've learnt something today: if you fancy a quickie, go to the woman on the left. I did. And I'm very satisfied. Her husband's no slouch either. It's thanks to these people that I've finally seen the light after eight months of living in darkness. Yes, that's right, they've helped me clean my windows.

I went to B&Q yesterday, and having successfully described what I wanted as "a spongy squeegee-type-thing on a long pole", whilst doing the actions and looking to Lisa for back-up (which didn't come), they sold me the HomePro Telescopic Window Washer & Squeegee, made by an American company called Quickie, which was founded by the couple above after they escaped the Armenian genocide of 1915. I'm not making this up. Although the Turks would have you believe so.

It was £14.99, which was about ten quid more than I wanted to spend, but you have to pay for quality, especially when you're too scared to go up a ladder, so I reluctantly parted with the cash. And may I say I'm not disappointed. I've spent today cleaning my windows (there's only two of them, but I like to claim it's a big job) inside and out, whilst washing my net curtains in Persil and trying not to lose my cat. And having finally finished, it's like someone's turned on a light bulb in my flat. My landlord's like a brother to me, but I had no idea just how filthy the flat was when I moved in. I may withhold next month's rent in protest. Or at least get him to pay for my Quickie.

Anyhoo, now my windows are clean enough to see through, I've decided to branch out into the world of pick-your-own fruit. The flowers I planted in my windowboxes last summer were dead by Christmas, so I've decided to grow strawberries this year instead. Lisa had the day off work yesterday, so in honour of our 34-month anniversary (we're still counting), we spent the afternoon in Worthing, where I bought a pack of six strawberry plants which were reduced to £1.99 on the grounds that they're half dead. It seemed like a bargain at the time.

As the owner of four windowboxes and six half-dead plants, I soon realised I had space for something else, so I also bought a blueberry bush for £2.49. I realise that no one's ever grown blueberries in a windowbox before, but for £2.49 I couldn't go wrong. Well, not until I got home, looked them up on the internet, and found that blueberry bushes don't start to produce fruit until the third year. I wanted a fruit salad by August. It looks like I'll be lucky to get a smoothie for Lisa's 40th.

But while I'm dreaming of blueberry pie in middle-age, the new issue of The Kemptown Rag has hit the streets today. They've published my article about David Van Day, but after some discussion on the consequences of upsetting the bloke who's just paid you £91 for a front page ad, they decided to print it as a letter, rather than a front page exclusive. Which means he's less likely to firebomb the magazine when he reads it, and more likely to come after me personally. If anyone asks, I'm out for the next month.