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Friday, December 28, 2007

3 + 1 = 14

Well it does if you're Lisa playing 'Brain Training' on my Nintendo DS. It's no wonder she has the mental age of a pensioner. Two minutes later she was shouting the answers so loudly into the microphone that she seemed to be trying to intimidate Dr Kawashima into giving her the points.

As it happens, I only have that game because Lisa's mother heard I was getting a Nintendo DS for Christmas, and went straight out and bought me 'Brain Training'. I'm slightly offended by that.

But anyhoo, if you're thinking that numbers aren't Lisa's strong point, you'd be very, very wrong. Take a look at this...

That's a hundred pound note, that is.

If, like me, you've spent the past three days unable to move from the sofa due to grand scale chocolate consumption, then you're probably aware that yesterday was 'Free Day' at Gala Bingo. Or maybe they only broadcast that advert to council estates. But either way, Lisa and I saw it, and as my flat is conveniently situated less than 200 yards from a bingo hall, we naturally plodded along the road for an evening of free mathematics.

I don't know what it is about bingo, but from the look of the clientele, it does seem to attract a lot of Lidl shoppers who've been on Jeremy Kyle. Lisa and I were the classiest people there, and I wasn't even wearing my David Bitton jeans. It's almost three years since I last played bingo (it's taken me that long to get over the stress), and despite having moved house since then, I'd naturally kept hold of my magic bingo pen and my Gala membership card, so we arrived fully-prepared and found our seats next to a drunk with greasy hair.

Most of the first half was spent pointing out the more colourful occupants of the hall, and seeing who could spot the most drug-addled, tattooed, toothless and downright dangerous player in the vicinity. Lisa won that round, but sadly there wasn't any money in it.

By the interval we'd managed to work out how Gala can afford to let everyone play for free. It turns out that if you pay an optional £5 at the beginning (charmingly referred to as being "on the wizz"), any prizes you win will be doubled. Interestingly, I seemed to be the only person there who realised that 0 x 2 = 0, and as the evening went on, it soon became apparent that everyone bar us had paid five quid to get in. Some people just refuse to accept freebies.

Anyhoo, the highlight of the evening for me was the short break in the second half when Lisa decided she had plenty of time to go to the toilet. Obviously she didn't, but there's something hugely entertaining about a hall full of five hundred people descending into a deathly hush as the game begins, only for the door of the Ladies to creak open and Lisa to come strolling out. It wouldn't have been so bad if she'd known where we were sitting, but needless to say she got lost and started roaming the aisles in the middle of a big money game. Fortunately she found me in the end. It's not hard to spot someone who's laughing so much.

We'll never know whether Lisa would have won that game, but fortunately it didn't matter, because five minutes later she was drawing attention to herself in an entirely different way by shouting "Bingo!" at the top of her voice and waving her arms about. She didn't go for the £10 single line or the £20 double. Oh no. She waited for the £100 full house. It was the second biggest prize of the night. I knew we should have been on the wizz.


Phil said...

Dave I expect you were up at the crack of dawn to queue up for the start of the sale at Poundsavers. With £100 you could probably buy the whole shop.

28 December 2007, 12:27:05Phil's MumWHAT a good idea, Dave! But I expect Lisa is prudently saving her £100 for Phil's birthday present.29 December 2007, 10:24:04Phil
If only I'd published today's blog post one minute earlier...29 December 2007, 10:31:49Beckie
I had Scrabble for my Ninentos DS for Christmas, and when playing with the 'Angelina' character at the weekend, she used the words dildo and sodomy. One right after the other. And it gave my nice little descriptions of each word, just in case I wasn't aware of them.

Congratulations on your engagement. I'm looking forward to reading about the wedding planning and whether Lisa becomes a bridezilla.

I have a bag of champagne bottle shaped party poppers left over from my wedding if you'd like them. Obviously that wouldn't make up for the loss of the ring.07 January 2008, 13:32:49