Due to overwhelming popular demand (no, really) here's another picture of Simon Cowell...


The lady on the right with the sunglasses and the eager expression is the woman responsible for the lipstick on his cheek in yesterday's photo. It's not, I repeat not, Eddie Large in a dress. If she looks slightly blurry, it's because she was hurtling towards his face at high speed and about to wrest him forcibly from the arms of a small boy, possibly driven by some kind of powerful medication she'd taken that morning. She was certainly on something. Unless she's reading this, in which case I'm sure it was just youthful exuberance, and I admire your energy, madam.

And here's Simon's Rolls Royce parked outside the ladies toilets, which had been out of order all afternoon, and had just been pumped out by some burly blokes from the council. I particularly like the teenage RSPCA cadet biting his nails in the background. You can't blame him - if I'd been trusted with the welfare of Mr Nasty's car, I'd be nervous too. If he's willing to tear you apart just for singing badly, imagine what he'd do if his Roller got scratched.

While I'm here I'll just shamelessly plug my Argus article on the subject. Thanks go to Lisa for the Sideshow Bob comment. I can't take her anywhere.

Anyhoo, regular readers of this blog (that's you, Mum) might remember that back at the end of May I got mildly irate (which is not like me at all) about the number of young people in America who seem to spend their schooldays misinterpreting my Micro Fiction.

Well I've found another one. Vinny (who's not my cousin) has analysed My Daughter & I, which I wrote two and a half years ago. The thing is, everything he says is 100% true... but I still can't help feeling that he's missed the entire point of the story. I'm tempted to write 'See Me' at the bottom of his paper.

But on a brighter note, I've discovered who's going to be starring in the panto at the Theatre Royal this Christmas. Last year it was Chico from the X-Factor, but this time around my old mate Julien Boast has opted for a more proven theatrical talent. Understandably stung by criticism that Chico's previous acting experience consisted largely of pretending he could sing on national TV, Julien's booked a couple of old pros this year. Yes, it's true, starring in Cinderella at the 200-year-old Theatre Royal in Brighton this Christmas will be...

Kim and Aggie from 'How Clean is Your House?'. I believe tickets are still available.